


Picking Up The Pieces

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Break Up, Bulimia, Bullying, Car Accidents, Depression, Hospitals, M/M, Pastel Dan Howell, Post-Break Up, Psychiatric Hospitals, Punk Phil Lester, Recovery, Relapsing, Self-Harm, Underage Smoking, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24420694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: During a truth or dare game, Phil is made to break up with his pastel-wearing boyfriend. He was too drunk to fully understand what was happening at the time but now that he's sobered up, will Dan ever trust him again?Or, Punk!Phil breaks up with Pastel!Depressed!Dan because of a dare and Phil has to earn his trust back.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	1. The Breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start another chaptered fic so here we go. This was originally going to be a one-shot but I decided to make it chaptered. Let's see where the story takes us.
> 
> TW for Cp1: Mentions of eating disorders (anorexia).

“Truth or dare, Phil?” Jacob asked, slamming down the beer bottle he’d just sculled.

“Truth, I am not risking a dare with you again,” he chuckled.

“If you broke up with pastel boy, do you think he’d cry?”

Phil rolled his eyes at his friend. “I know he looks like he’s weak but he’s really not. He’s one of the strongest people I know,” Phil answered honestly. His friends just snorted at his reply as Phil shouted, “Flinn!”

“Sup,” he shouted in reply, downing one of the shots in the middle of the group.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare, nothing could be worse than kissing Jacob’s dog’s ass,” he said, cringing at the memory from just ten minutes ago.

“Hmm, I dare you to not smoke for a week.”

“You can’t do that!”

Phil smirked. “Why not? You answered dare. It’s your own bloody fault,” he said, laughing at his friend’s distraught face.

“Fine.”

They continued playing for hours. They were all quite drunk; Mike had already been forced into the bathroom by his own body.

“Phil,” Tyler called.

“Dare, I’m too drunk to care what happens,” Phil replied, words slurring together.

“Break up with pastel boy. I wanna see if he cries,” his so-called friend said, an evil glint in his eyes.

“What?”

“You have to do it,” Jacob added excitedly.

“Fine,” he answered, pulling out his phone and opening his contacts. He never would have done this if he wasn’t as drunk as he was but he was far from clear-minded in his state.

“On speaker,” Tyler added as Phil lifted the phone to his ear. Pulling it away, he thought through what to say.

“Phil? I thought you were with your friends?” Dan’s voice came through the phone.

Phil nodded before realising Dan couldn’t see him. “Yeah, um, we need to talk,” he said, trying to keep his slurred words to a minimum.

“What is it?” he said, now sounding nervous.

“I, um,” he said, the logical, undrunk of his brain screaming at him to _stop, what the fuck are you doing?_ “I think it’s time we went out separate ways,” he stared, thinking it was the nicest way to tell someone you’re breaking up with them.

“You… what? You’re breaking up with me? Why? Did I do something? I’m sorry if I did,” Dan was rambling as he spoke and Phil could have sworn his heart broke at how sad he sounded.

“I just- I think it’s better this way. We can see other people.” Phil pretended to miss his friends’ grins as a sob came through the speaker.

“Can you tell me why? I thought you loved me? I thought we were happy? I can change if it’s me, I’m sorry,” Dan continued.

“Dan, I’ve-I’ve got to go. Bye, Dan.” He hung up before Dan got a chance to reply. “There, you fucking happy now?” he hissed at his friends.

“He’s even more of a baby than I thought he was. Pathetic really, crying his eyes out at something as simple as a breakup.” Phil stood, eyes blazing in anger. How DARE he say that about Dan.

“Don’t ever speak to me again,” Phil said, venom and control dripping from his voice despite how utterly terrible he felt on the inside. With that, he stormed out of his friend’s room, down the stairs and out the front door.

~~~~

The beeping was all Dan could hear. Phil had hung up on him, without even giving him a chance to say goodbye. Dan sat with his phone pressed to his ear in shock. He couldn’t understand why Phil would break up with him. As far as he could tell, they were both happy. Well, Dan wasn’t happy sometimes but that had nothing to do with Phil and their now-nonexistent relationship.

Dan turned his phone off, not wanting any connection to the outside world and curled up in his bed. He cried for god knows how long until his mother knocked on his door.

“Y-yes?” he called, silently cursing his stutter.

“Dinner’s ready,” she answered, either ignoring or not hearing the stutter which made Dan was happy.

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbled. His mother wouldn’t be impressed, since he was a mostly-recovered anorexic but he genuinely wasn’t hungry this time. Phil’s words had left a pit in his stomach and he didn’t think he could eat even if he wanted to.

“Can I come in?” she asked. Dan knew it was coming and if he said ‘no’, he’d only cause more worry.

“Yeah,” he called, his mother opening the door as soon as the word left his lips.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked in her usual motherly tone, taking a seat at the end of Dan’s bed and resting her hand on his covered leg.

He shrugged his shoulders as best he could from his position.

“You really need to eat something,” she continued, glancing worriedly at her son’s still-concave stomach.

“Like I said, I’m not hungry,” he rolled over after saying that, facing away from his mother’s gaze.

“How about I bring you a piece of toast? Do you think you could eat that? Just to quell my conscience.” Dan shook his head, feeling guilty. She sighed and said, ‘I love you, my baby,’ before getting up and leaving the room. She knew pushing him would only ever make him worse when he was like this.

Dan sighed; he hated feeling like this. Usually, he’d message Phil, ask if he wanted to hang out. Phil knew of his… problems; of course he did. Still, Dan didn’t like to talk about them with him, feeling like he was weighing Phil down with things that he didn’t have to be concerned about.

Besides, even if Dan didn’t feel that way, Phil clearly did. It was the only reason he could think of for Phil breaking up with him. Tears started to collect in his eyes as he thought about the fact that he was technically now single. Just a happier word for alone, the cynical voice in Dan’s mind said.

Once his mother closed his bedroom door behind her, Dan rolled back over, slid the covers over his head and hid from the world. Sleep overtook him quickly; crying was exhausting, as always.

~~~~

Phil listened to Dan’s familiar voicemail after trying to call for the eighth time. He wasn’t picking up and he was getting worried. “Hey, Dan. I love you, okay? Tyler made me do it and I was so drunk I couldn’t even get myself to tell him to fuck off. I know that’s no excuse. Listen, I love you so much, more than you will ever know. Stay safe? Please. I’m so sorry, Dan. I love you, bye.” Phil hung up after his message and collapsed onto his bed.

It had been a few hours since the dreaded phone call Phil had made. He’s sobered up considerably in that time and, now that he was more aware of his surroundings, his body was overwhelmed with guilt.

He could be dead by now, he thought darkly. He could be choking on his own vomit. Maybe bleeding out, filling the bath with red. _Shut up!_ he told the voice in the back of his mind. Yes, everything it said was a possibility. But there was also a possibility that his phone was out of battery, or that he was sleeping. Maybe he’d turned it off to study without distraction. _Or maybe he turned it off to die in peace_ , the voice said quietly.

“Dan, I love you. Please don’t do anything reckless. Call me as soon as you get this, okay? I need to know you’re okay. I love you, I’m so so so sorry,” he pressed the hangup button again and rolled over. It was just past eleven o’clock so he figured he should get to sleep. He had school tomorrow; hopefully, Dan would actually show up.

~~~~

In the morning, Phil climbed out of bed quickly, half asleep but pushing through it as not to be late. Pulling on his skinny jeans, he grabbed a random shirt from his wardrobe and threw it on. Sliding his leather jacket on after, he made his way to the bathroom and quickly styled his blue-fringed hair and placed the piercings back into the holes in his flesh.

Grabbing his bag, he stole a slice of toast from his younger brother’s plate and ran out the front door, only just making it in time for his bus.

Walking into homeroom as the bell rang, Phil’s eyes scanned the room for the pastel colours of his boyfriend (were they still dating?) and saw blacks and blues and the occasional bright colour. There were no pastels, though. Dan wasn’t there.

Taking a seat, he listened as the teacher spoke. Dan didn’t show up in the twenty minutes of homeroom and he wasn’t in AP English later that day either.

Tyler and the rest of his friends had tried to talk to him at lunch but Phil flat out ignored them. It wasn’t Mike’s or Jacob’s or Flinn’s fault but they still encouraged the dare. Though, when Phil thought about it, it wasn’t Tyler’s fault either. It was no one’s fault other than his. He chose to go through with the dare. He chose to call Dan and not say it was a dare at the end of the phone call. It was his fault that Dan could now be in a hospital, or worse, a morgue.

“Phil, how can I help you?” the lady at the office’s main desk said.

“Uh, is Daniel Howell here today?” 

“You know very well that we can’t share information about students with their peers, Mr Lester. I suggest you message him if you want to talk to him,” the woman said. She was quite familiar with himself and Dan as, unfortunately, Phil had taken Dan to the school nurse more than a few times.

“He isn’t answering any of my messages. Please, just, have you heard from his parents?”

She sighed, “Fine, let me check.”

“Thank you so much.” A minute of typing and clicking later, she hummed.

“He’s not here today. We got an email this morning saying he was unwell.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Is he okay?” she asked, knowing too much about Dan’s mental state for what an office assistant should.

“I don’t know; I hope so.”

“Go visit him, Love. He needs you, I can see it every time you come in together.” Phil nodded, guilt filling him for the umpteenth time in the last twenty-four hours. _He needs you, and you do that to him? How sick._

After his last class, he made his way quickly to Dan’s house. They lived a few blocks away from each other so it wasn’t too far out of the way.

“Phil, how can I help you?” Mrs Howell asked after opening the front door.

“I just wanted to see Dan. He wasn’t in school today and he isn’t replying to my messages.”

“I’m sorry, Phil, but I don’t think Dan is in any condition to be talking with people. I’ll let him know you stopped by though.” She didn’t hint at knowing any of what Phil had done which was good for him. He didn’t think Dan’s mother would ever let him see Phil again if she knew what had happened the previous day.

“Oh, okay. Is he-Is he okay?”

“He’s a little down at the moment, Love. He’s sleeping now, though.”

“O-Okay, thank you, Mrs Howell. Can I come ‘round tomorrow if he doesn’t come to school again?”

“Of course, dearie. Though I’m not sure he’ll want to see anyone.” So Phil left the too-familiar house and walked to his own. He tried calling Dan again but there was no reply. Phil had truly fucked up and now he had to deal with the consequences.

~~~~

“Love, you really need to eat something,” Dan’s mother said from his doorway. Dan hadn’t gotten out of bed in over twelve hours, not even to pee.

He shook his head, eyes closed but knowing his mother was looking at him. It was the next day as far as he could tell; birds were chirping outside and there was a light against his eyelids that he so desperately wished would disappear.

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital? Because you know I’ll have to if you don’t eat anything.” Dan ignored her, rolling over to face the wall his bed was against. “Love, can you please talk to me? What happened?”

Dan’s mouth remained shut. Nothing he said was important, so why bother.

She sighed. “Phil came by. He said you weren’t replying to his messages or answering his calls. He’s worried about you, Love. I am too, and so is your father. We all worry about you so much,” she paused for a split second but she never got a chance to continue because Dan was sitting up in bed, tears streaming down his face as he shouted at his mother.

“Then stop! Stop _fucking_ worrying about me because I’m not worth it! This is all my fault! Don’t you understand!? Phil hates me! It’s the only reason he could have left me! I’m too fucked up! You should give up on me too. You should just let me... die,” he said, speaking quieter and slower at the end as tears overwhelmed him.

His mother enveloped him in a hug, rubbing her hand up and down his back in a soothing motion. “Phil doesn’t hate you, Love. And your father and I will never ever give up on you. You’re our son and we love you more than you will ever know.”

Dan sat in his mother’s arms, tears streaming down his face, until he fell asleep, exhausted yet again.


	2. The Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Cp2: Kinda graphic self-harm, blood, needles. I think that's everything but please tell me if I've missed something.
> 
> Sorry this is later than planned, some personal things have happened so I've had to take some time away from writing. I'll try to have the next chapter out sooner.

When Dan woke up, he felt numb. He’d gotten so used to feeling at least some emotion at all times now; he’d almost forgotten what it was like to be empty. The sun was streaming through his window, meaning it was around mid-afternoon.

He lay in bed, eyes closed to block out the sun, thinking about anything that came to mind. After only seconds, his thoughts went to his bathroom cupboard. Or, more specifically, what was held inside.

His parents had taken away all his blades when they’d found out about his self-harming tendencies but there had been one they missed. Dan used to debate handing it in, thinking he could truly get better, but decided against it. He never planned to use it, it was just a precaution, just in case.

But now, with the empty feeling crowding his entire body, he needed its cool touch. Climbing out of bed for the first time since the dreaded phone call, he stumbled into the bathroom that was attached to his room and pulled open the medicine cabinet with no medicine inside. There were spare toothbrushes, toothpaste, and underneath, a small silver blade. Dan’s first-ever blade. He’d unscrewed it from a pencil sharpener when he was only thirteen.

Locking the bathroom door, he pulled up his right sleeve to reveal the thin pale scars that still remained and likely always would. Sucking in a breath, he pressed the blade firm against his right forearm and slid the blade down, holding back a hiss at the pain.

A few drops of blood appeared from the cut but it wasn’t enough. He added another and another until his arm was covered. He switched to the other, repeating the process. Blood pooled on his arms, dripping onto the floor and probably staining the cream coloured tiles.

He never even noticed the knocking at the door through all his tears. The sound of his mother’s voice calling for him. He never notice the jingling of keys, and the scream of his mother once the door was open.

“Daniel!” she shouted, running over to him and ripping the blade from his hand. “Mark!” she yelled, her husband quickly running into the room.

Dan sat, staring at the wall as his mother cried and cleaned his arms, his father already starting to clean through his room while his wife tended to their son.

“Love, you can’t do that,” she said softly. Dan’s eyes remained glazed over as she led him from the bathroom and over to his bed. “Bear, you need to snap out of it,” she said, clicking her fingers in front of his clouded eyes. “Mark, I’m scared,” she said, looking to her husband as he looked through Dan’s underwear drawer for any more blades.

“I am too, my love, I am too. If he doesn’t come back in fifteen minutes, I think we should take him to the hospital.”

“Okay, have you found any more?” she asked, taking a seat next to Dan.

Her husband shook his head and she released a breath. “That’s good at least.”

“Do we know what caused this? He’s been down for a few days now but he’s been clean for months. Where did he even get the blade from?” he said, looking at his son, eyes filled with love and worry.

“He won’t tell me. He shouted at me to stop caring about him though. And I think his suic-sui- his darker thoughts have come back too,” she explained, unable to say the dreaded word that would rip apart their small family for good.

“Maybe we should take him to the hospital rather than wait,” he suggested in reply to the news. “Can you drive or should we call an ambulance?” he questioned, moving to stand next to his wife.

“I can’t, I need to stay with my baby,” she answered, placing her hand on his knee. Dan was sat on his bed, breathing but completely unmoving. His arms were now covered in white, only a few drops of red having seeped through.

“That’s okay.” Dan’s father pulled out his phone, explaining the situation as calmly as he could and giving the operator their address.

After a ten minute wait, two women dressed in blue walked in. “Hello, what’s your name?” the red-haired one asked.

Dan continued to stare at the wall so his mother answered, “His name’s Dan.”

“Thank you, Miss. I’m Aurora and this is my partner, Jane. I’d like Dan to answer my questions if that’s okay.”

“He isn’t speaking,” Dan’s father explained, moving next to his wife and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

“We know, we just need to test his level of responsiveness.” Dan’s parents nodded and remained quiet while the women worked.

“If you’d come with me, I have a few questions while my partner talks with Dan.” Once again, Dan’s parents nodded and followed the brown-haired women - Jane - from the room.

“Okay, Dan, can you tell me what day it is?” Dan remained silent, staring straight forward. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk or move, it was that he  _ couldn’t _ . It was as if his brain was cut off from the rest of his body and he could only think.

“Dan, can you squeeze my hand?” she asked, placing her pointer and middle fingers lightly between his thumb and other digits. “Can you follow my finger?” she questioned next after Dan remained unresponsive. She lifted her hand, pointer finger out and moved it side to side in front of his face. She pulled out her small flashlight and shined it in his eyes; thankfully his pupils shrunk in response.

“Aurora, I think we should take him back to the hospital. According to his parents, there’s no physical illness that could cause this,” Jane explained after re-entering the room and getting updated on Dan’s state. Dan’s parents trailed in behind her, Kate - Dan’s mother - watching her son wearily with scared eyes.

“Yeah, his vitals are fine and there’s nothing physically wrong with him.” The two women began packing up their gear and Jane turned to Dan’s parents.

“Would you like to come with us?” she asked kindly.

Dan’s mother nodded, “Yes, please.”

“I’ll drive so we have a way home,” Dan’s father said, kissing his wife’s head. They all turned towards the bed as a sob escaped Dan’s lips.

“Bear?” his mum asked, walking quickly to kneel in front of him. His eyes darted around the room, filled with fear before landing on the two unfamiliar women dressed in blue.

“No,” he said, shaking his head before he started shaking. “No, no no no no no,” he sobbed, getting louder and louder with each word.

“You need to leave,” Dan’s father said, ushering the two women from the room and closing the door behind the three of them.

“Love, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here,” his mother said, trying to comfort her breaking son.

“No no no no, I’m- no no.” He was silenced by his mother wrapping her arms around him tightly as he sobbed into her chest, mumbling the word ‘no’ repeatedly.

After a few minutes, he seemed to calm down and his mother called the three back into the room. “They’d still like to take him to the hospital, even though he’s responsive. They’re afraid he may be a danger to himself or us,” Mark explained, Kate nodding her agreement.

“Okay, Dan, can you stand?” Jane asked.

“Leave me alone!” he shouted at her as she stepped towards him. The woman looked to his parents, who gave consent for her to continue, and she grabbed his arms before he could hit her. “No! No no no no no!” he shouted, kicking his legs until Aurora held them down.

“Sir, can you hold his legs while I get a sedative?” she asked his father, who nodded and took over.

She quickly prepared the needle and injected it into his forearm which was being held firmly by her partner.

Dan kept kicking and screaming until his vision clouded with black, his mother’s tear-stained face being the last thing he saw.


	3. The Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wakes up and Phil tries to make amends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I feel like I haven't been updating enough (and the chapters are short) so I'm gonna try and post at least two a week from now on. They probably won't be any longer but at least you're getting more?
> 
> TW for Cp3: Hospitals, a little violence, shouting. Please please please tell me if I’ve missed something.

When Dan woke up, he wasn’t surprised to see the white and baby blues of a hospital. “Mum?” he mumbled, voice croaky and throat sore.

“Love? How are you feeling?”

“Sore, and tired,” he said.

“And up here?” she said, tapping his head lightly.

“Done,” he answered honestly. He was just done. His mum never got a chance to reply because a doctor walked in.

“Mr Howell, good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

“Sore.”

“That’s to be expected. Seeing that you’re awake, I have a few questions for you. Would you rather your mother leave before we start?”

Without looking at her, he nodded ever so slightly. She hummed and left the room, clearly trying to hold in tears of worry and rejection.

“Okay,” the doctor said, sitting in one of the seats by Dan’s bed. “My name’s Dr Avon, can you state your full name and date of birth, please?”

“Daniel James Howell, the eleventh of June, 1991.”

“Good, okay. Do you remember what happened?”

“Uh, I think I was in my bathroom. I heard my mother yelling and they called an ambulance. I wanna go home, I don’t wanna be here, let me go home, please,” he said, starting to work himself up into another panic attack.

“It’s okay, you can go home soon, I promise. All you have to do is answer a few questions and we’ll let you go. How does that sound?”

Dan nodded so the doctor continued. “Okay, so, your mother has told me you’re a recovering anorexic and that you’ve been refusing to eat lately. Can we talk about that?”

Dan sighed, knowing that was going to be one of the questions he was asked. “You won’t believe me but I’ve legitimately not been hungry.

“According to your mother, you haven’t eaten in over two days. Surely you must want something to eat?” he pressed.

“I don’t have any appetite,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders. They wouldn’t believe him but he was telling the truth. After Phil’s call, he felt he’d be sick if he ate anything.

“And why is that?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan mumbled, rolling over to face away from the doctor and pressing his face into the pillow.

“Why not? We just want to help you, Dan. We can’t do that if we don’t know what’s going on?”

“There’s nothing going on!” he shouted, anger suddenly coursing through him as he sat up and glared at the doctor dressed in the same blue like all the other doctors and nurses. “I’m just not hungry! It’s none of your damn business anyway so leave me the fuck alone!”

Dr Avon looked taken back by his outburst but quickly recovered, his face reforming to the calm one that drove Dan mad. “Do you remember why you’re mother yelled?”

“What?”

“When you were in the bathroom, do you remember why your mum was yelling?”

“I, uh,” he started, eyes trailing down. “Oh,” he said as he eyed the bandages on his arms.

“Exactly. Now, answer me this. If there was nothing going on, why would you do that?” he asked, tapping his pen on Dan’s covered arm.

“I want to go home,” he whispered sadly.

“I understand that but you can’t yet. If you answer my questions, maybe you can go home.”

“Maybe!?” Dan said, shouting again. “You can’t keep me here! I’m not a fucking prisoner! I’m not dangerous to myself or anyone else and that’s the only reason you could keep me here. I want you to get my mum so she can tell you we’re going home. I’m not answering any more of you dumb questions. Keep me here all week if you want, my lips are sealed.”

Sighing, Dr Avon stood and headed towards the door. “I really do hope you try to get better, Dan. If not for yourself, then for your parents,” he said, opening the door and closing it behind him.

A few minutes later, his mother came in, followed by his dad. “Love, Dr Avon told us what happened. You have to talk to him. He only wants to help you. We’re both worried about you. Phil-”

“Fuck Phil!” he shouted.

“Language,” his father reprimanded.

“Sorry.”

“Phil is worried about you too,” his mother continued. “Please, Love. You’ll be made to stay here if you don’t answer their questions.”

“Only if you agree,” he answered in a grumble.

“Your mother and I have decided that if that’s what the doctors think is best, we will sign you off as an in-patient,” his father added, rubbing a hand up and down his wife’s back.

“Just leave me alone!” he shouted. “I just want to go home! Is that really too much to ask? I won’t hurt myself, just let me go home, please,” he shouted, his words becoming softer as he spoke and ending with a broken sob.

“Love, I want to believe you but I can’t. You haven’t eaten in days and you were cut- you were hurting yourself. I can’t see you do that, my baby, not again. If here is where you need to be to get better, then don’t think I’ll hesitate to sign off on it. Just answer their questions, Love, then we can go home.”

With a disgruntled “fine,” Dan’s parents left to find Dr Avon. He returned ten or so minutes later with a smile. “I hear you’ve had a change of heart,” he said, taking the same seat he had before.

“Ask the questions so I can go home,” and so, with Dan’s cooperation (if you could call it that), the doctor asked his questions and Dan was sent home. The doctor had recommended a therapist after his parents had come back into the room but Dan outright refused. He did that every time one of his parents or a doctor suggested therapy. He didn’t need to become someone’s pet project. Someone who pretended to care simply because they got paid ridiculous amounts of money for it. He didn’t want any part of it.

As so, with an unhappy agreement between himself, and his parents and doctor, the three of them made their way home. Looking out the window, Dan saw Phil sitting on their front porch, looking at the car with his phone in his hand.

Climbing out of the car, his parents smiled and waved, heading into the house. Dan, however, stood by the car, keeping a good few meters distance between himself and Phil.

“Dan,” he breathed out.

“Go home,” Dan ordered, ignoring the way his voice wavered with unshed tears and hoping Phil didn’t hear it.

“Dan,” he said again, taking a step closer. Dan took one back so his back was flushed against the silver sedan.

“Go away!” he shouted.

“Dan, I love you. I’m so sorry,” Phil said, taking more steps towards him. “Please, I’m so so sorry, I was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight,” Phil said, trying desperately to get Dan to listen.

Said boy had now fallen to the ground, knees pulled into his chest and hands over his ears as tears streamed his face. “No, you’re lying, you hate me, you’re lying,” Dan mumbled repeatedly to himself.

It broke Phil’s heart, seeing Dan like this, especially knowing he was the cause of it. “Bear, I love you so much,” he said again, resting a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

His head shot up at the touch and Phil searched his honey eyes for some sign of the Dan he knew but there was none. He had single-handedly forced Dan back into the protective walls he’d built for himself. The walls he’d built to hide himself from anyone who could try to hurt him.

A moment later, Dan shouted “No!” and punched Phil in the face, hard. He climbed to his feet and ran while Phil recovered from the blow. He knew Dan hadn’t really meant to hurt him, that he was just scared, so he stood and headed home. He’d come back the next day, hoping he’d get through to Dan then. If not, he’d keep trying ‘till he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! You're comments and kudos are what keep me going and I love hearing what you think.


	4. The Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan’s parents decide he’s ready to return to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Cp4: None, I think?

His parents were watching Dan like a hawk since he got home. He was made it eat meals (unless he wanted to spend all day sitting at the table) and he wasn’t allowed out of sight for an hour afterwards. They’d checked through his room and his parents had confiscated all of his long shirts. His scars were now always on display which he hated but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

After the weekend passed, Dan’s parents had decided he was well enough to return to school. Thankfully, they’d returned his shirts for that but he was told they’d be checking each morning and night. Honestly, Dan thought he’d have more freedom if he stayed in the hospital, but he wasn’t about to tell his parents that.

“Ready to go?” his dad asked, grabbing his keys from the bowl by the front door.

“I guess,” Dan mumbled in reply, unhappy about the situation. He didn’t want to leave his room, let alone go to a building filled with hundreds of teenagers, and Phil.

“Dan,” his father said seriously after they’d pulled up to the school. Looking at him, he saw his father staring straight, glaring at the wheel. “Stay safe, please. And, you can call me or Mum if you need to come home. I’ll be on standby all day and I’m only a call away, okay?”

“Okay, Dad. And thank you, for putting up with me. I know it’s kind of your job as my dad but a lot of parents wouldn’t stick around.”

“Daniel, I will never leave you or your mother. I love you both so much. Now get in there,” he said, voice returning to a joking turn at the end.

“I love you, too. See you later.” And so, once Dan hitched his bag up his back a little further, he took his first step towards the dreaded building. Then he took his second, third and fourth. Before he was really aware of what was going on, he was at his locker, changing out his books in automatic mode.

He’d yet to see Phil but they shared a class that afternoon. Even if he avoided him all day, there was no escape when it came to Literature with Mrs Pralls.

He slipped into homeroom without running into Phil or any of his dreaded bullies. God knows why they had it out for him, maybe it was because he felt comfortable expressing his pastel personality. He didn’t any more though. Today, he was dressed in a simple dark grey jumper and black skinny jeans. He only ever wore it when he was feeling sick, the pastel colours gave him a headache if he was already nauseous. Now, he just wanted to blend in. He didn’t want anyone to see anything different in him.

“Mr Howell, good to see you back. Have you brought a doctor’s note to say why you were away?” Mr Wickerman asked, smiling at another student as they entered the room.

“No, I’ll get one.”

“By Friday, Mr Howell. Or, you know the rules,” he warned.

“Yep,” Dan answered, unzipping his bag and pulling out a book to read.

~~~~

The day passed quickly. Too quickly. Literature was quickly approaching and Dan was watching the clock tick each second by. Five minutes. Four minutes. Three. Two. One.

“Don’t forget about your homework due tomorrow!” Miss Cares yelled as chairs scraped on the concrete-like flooring.

_ Here we go, _ Dan thought helplessly as he stood from his chair, slipping his bag onto his back and heading out into the bustling corridor. Students were speed walking in both directions, each trying to get to their next class within the five minutes they were allocated.

Changeover was always a hectic time and Dan felt sorry for the poor souls that had to stop by their lockers as well.

Mrs Pralls stood by the classroom door, ready to shake hands with each of her students as they arrived. That was something different about her that most students complained about but Dan enjoyed. It made him feel like she cared about him rather than her just doing her job. She made an effort to get to know each of her students.

“Dan?” a scarily familiar voice said. Spinning around, he came face to face with Phil, piercings, leather jacket and all.

“Yes?” he answered dully.

“Why are you in school?”

“I’m seventeen. It’s the law,” Dan replied, taking his seat. He knew he was being snappy and standoffish but he had a fair reason to be.

Phil glared at him playfully before continuing. “How are you feeling?” he asked, voice way too soft and sincere for such a casual question. But, Phil didn’t mean it casually, he was asking how Dan’s depression was.

“Why do you care? Just take your seat and pretend I don’t exist.”

“But-”

“Phil, I suggest you take your seat before I get annoyed,” their teacher interrupted.

Dan sighed in relief as Phil turned back to him. “After class, I want to talk to you. Don’t go anywhere.”

Dan didn’t acknowledge him so Phil huffed out a breath and took his seat on the other side of the room. Dan had never been so thankful for their assigned seating in this class.

Once again, the class passed too quickly. As the bell rang, Dan shot from his seat, having already packed his belongings back into his bag, and forced his way through the crowd and out the door.

He thought he’d escaped Phil until he felt a hand wrap tightly around his bicep. Flinching, he whipped his head around, expecting to see James or Chris or Mike or maybe, if he was really lucky, all of them.

“Dan, please just listen to me,” Phil said, voice sounding almost like he was begging but like he wasn’t going to stoop so low.

“Let go of me,” Dan replied firmly as he attempted to pull his arm free.

“No, you’ll just run away. I’m so sorry for what happened last week. I was drunk and I know that’s no excuse but please listen. I don’t want to break up with you, I love you.” Dan stared at him, but not in his eyes. He refused to make eye contact.

“Didn’t.”

“What?”

“You said you don’t want to break up with me. Didn’t is the word you need. Unless you forgot, you already broke up with me, we are no longer in a relationship. You said so yourself,” Dan explained, his voice scarily void of emotion. “Now, let me go.”

Phil’s grip loosened a little and Dan took the chance, pulling his arm free and turning.

“Dan! Wait!” he heard behind him but Dan didn’t listen. He kept running. From what? He didn’t know, he just needed to get away.

He found himself at the park his parents used to take him to as a kid. He didn’t want to go home; at least not yet anyway. He didn’t want to see his parents and have to be constantly watched. He didn’t want to have dinner and he didn’t want to watch tv for an hour afterwards. He only wanted one thing, an escape.

~~~~

_ 7:11 pm - From Mum: Hey love. Where are you? Mark said you didn’t come to the car after school. He’s been driving around looking for you all afternoon. _

_ 7:16 pm - From Mum: Danny? Can you please message me? Let me know where you are and I’ll come pick you up. _

_ 7:18 pm - Missed call from Mum. _

_ 7:21 pm - From Dad: Dan? Can you please message me or your mother? We’re really worried. _

_ 7:22 pm - Missed call from Dad. _

_ 7:29 pm - Missed call from Mum. _

_ 7:33 pm - From Mum: We’ll give you a little break in case you need some freedom. Please just let us know you’re safe. _

_ 7:37 pm - Missed call from Phil <3. _

_ 7:37 pm - From Phil <3: Love? Your mum called me saying you haven’t been answering them. Are you safe? _

_ 7:41 pm - Missed call from Phil <3. _

_ 7:52 pm - Missed call from Mum. _

_ 8:23 pm - From Mum: Dan, please let us know where you are or at least tell us you’re safe. We’re all so worried about you. _

_ 9:32 pm - From Dad: Daniel, you really need to tell us where you are. This isn’t a game anymore. Call one of us back now or there will be serious consequences. _

_ 10:07 pm - From Phil <3: Bear? I’m heading to sleep now. Please message your mum or dad or me. I don’t mind, just so someone knows you’re safe. I love you, Bear. Please be safe. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying it so far! I'm having a fun time writing it :D


	5. The Cigarette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is found, but not in a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Cp5: Police stations, mentions of therapy/medication. Another, quite serious one that is at the end due to spoilers. If you know of triggers, please check there before reading.

Dan wandered through the forest not too far from his house. It was right by the park and the quiet of it seemed so inviting at the time. His phone vibrated again and again in his pocket and he knew he should answer but he just wanted to be alone for a bit.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he saw  _ Phil <3 Calling _ . Cringing at the ‘<3’, he clicked off his phone and threw it to the ground. It wouldn’t shut up and he just needed silence. He needed quiet and no one was giving that to him.

He found a small dirt path that had been etched into the soil by teens wandering to a secret spot to smoke and do who knows what else. He followed the path that led to a small bridge. There was no water beneath it anymore, the river having dried up.

He crawled below the brick arch and rested his head against the damp red wall. His arms prickled with goosebumps as it began raining. Some water rushed underneath the river and Dan, being incredibly bored, began diverting the flow and playing with it.

~~~~

When Dan blinked his eyes open, it was to someone shaking him. The sun was glaring at him, almost shunning him for his actions the previous day. Looking at the person who was shaking him, he saw Chris and Mike. Dread filled his body but he never got a chance to react to anything before they began speaking again.

“Hey, little fag,” the short-but-buff one, Mike, sneered. “Did your parents finally see how worthless you are and decide to kick you out?” he asked conversationally, as if he were asking about the weather.

“Now now, Mike. Be nice. He’s clearly upset,” Chris joked. “Besides, why would you waste your time talking to a worthless fag like him?”

“Aww, he’s not that worthless. Besides, he has a hole, he’d be good for that at least.”

“True,” Chris laughed, puffing out a smoke-filled breath into the cool air.

“Why don’t we? I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a good fuck with no strings attached. Girls are just too clingy.”

“Yeah, God Rebecca is a bitch, isn’t she?”

While the two friends laughed and joked mostly at Dan’s expense, he tried to crawl away unnoticed. He stopped to scream though as something fire-hot touched his lower back where his shirt had ridden up.

“Oops,” Chris laughed, pulling his cigarette back to his mouth. So that’s what had touched his skin and brought tears to his eyes.

“Chris, you made the little fag cry. Ah well, let’s make him feel better. You want his mouth or ass?”

“Mouth, I bet he sucks cock like a pro.” Dan let tears slide down his cheeks as one of his three living demons unzipped their fly in front of his face. He shivered in fear when his pants were forced down along with his boxers.

Without any preparation, Mike forced himself into Dan’s hole and Chris shoved his long dick into his mouth. Dan choked around him, struggling to breathe with a cock down his throat and his nose squished against Chris’ crotch.

Chris was still smoking and passing the stick between him and Mike. Tears fell onto the floor from Dan’s cheeks, watering the few flowers trying to survive in this dreaded world.

It ended quickly, at least. Apparently he was good at sucking cock, as Chris had guessed, as he came after only a few minutes. After he pulled out, Dan leant down, choking around the sticky white mixture within his mouth.

Mike finished soon after, coming deep inside Dan and digging his nails into his hips.

Once they were both done, Dan tried to crawl away and escape but he was quickly pulled back. Choking on his tears and saliva, he cried out, “What else could you want from me?”

“Oh, we don’t want anything, just to remind you of who you are.” Puffing smoke into Dan’s face, Mike grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head.

“Well well well, what do we have here?” Chris laughed, grabbing Dan’s wrists and twisting them out so his scars were on full view. “Got ourselves a pathetic cutter here, huh Mike?”

“I think he isn’t pathetic enough, what do you say we remind him?” he said, taking the cigarette from his mouth and grinding it into Dan’s skin, just above his belly button.

“Now now, if we’re doing this, we’re doing it right.” Chris pulled the cigarette from his friend's hand and pressed it against Dan’s skin, letting it burn and eat away at his flesh.

Dan screamed and kicked but Mike held him down as Chris continued his sadistic methods of fun.

He was close to passing out from pain by the time they’d finished.

“Beautiful,” they said in sync, chucking Dan’s shirt at his numb torso.

“I think we’re done here, aren’t we?” Chris asked casually.

“Yeah, I’ve got an essay to write,” Mike agreed, spitting on Dan’s face before walking away. Chris turned to leave too, but only after a kick to his back, causing Dan to curl up even more.

A few minutes later, Dan slowly sat himself up and lifted his shirt. On his chest, written in angry red circles, was the words ‘ _ Fat Fag _ ’.

Dan closed his eyes, in too much pain to move. He did manage to pull his jumper back on and pull up his pants though. Being on view made him more afraid than the pain moving caused. He should have kept his phone. He wanted his parents now. He wanted someone to care for him and love him and be kind him. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He didn’t want the deadly silence of the forest.

~~~~

“-just found him in the forest,” a female voice said. Dan felt arms around him, carrying him bridal style. He snuggled into the body, enjoying the warmth after the cold and dreary night he’d had.

“He’s freezing, we need to get him a blanket,” the same voice stated. He felt himself being placed down and a warm blanket being wrapped around him.

He snuggled into it, too delirious to focus on the words the voice spoke. He did catch ‘missing boy’ and ‘parents’ within the conversation though.

The voice, and whoever they were speaking with, left the room and left him to rest.

~~~~

Blinking his eyes open for the second time that day, he saw a small room with a desk and four chairs. He was resting on the loveseat in the corner. The room was plain and he had no idea where he was. It wasn’t a hospital, he could tell that much.

Sitting up, he felt the pain in his stomach. He remembered the events of that morning - was it even that morning? - and cringed. He wrapped the blanket around him after he stood, the material covering his body like a massive cloak and dragging a little along the ground.

His hand breached the cool air of the room to turn the door handle before quickly retreating back against Dan’s body. He wandered into the hallway and still didn’t know where he was. There was a heap of closed doors along both sides of the corridor but no people in sight. He started walking in one direction, keeping his eyes peeled for anyone.

“Mum!” he shouted, seeing his mother through the window of a door. She sat in an uncomfortable-looking plastic seat with her husband to her left.

Twisting the door open, he dropped the blanket and bolted straight to his mother, collapsing in her arms.

“Love, Love, I’ve got you, you’re safe,” she said repeatedly. He felt his father wrap around his other side, shielding him from the harsh world.

“Where have you been?” his father asked, kissing his head of curls.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” he sobbed.

~~~~

“After reading his medical history,” the police officer, who’d brought him in originally, began. She seemed kind as she spoke to the three of them. “I’d like to suggest therapy and/or medication,” she finished.

“No,” Dan stated clearly, still determined in his view.

“Is there a particular reason why you don’t want to?”

“I don’t need to be fixed,” he snapped in reply, standing and walking from the room. His parents came out a few minutes later and his mother sighed visibly when she spotted him in the waiting room.

“Let’s go home, Love. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do though,” she said, hugging him before leading him to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra TW: Rape/Non-con.
> 
> Also, the police didn't notice Dan’s stomach or arms which is why no one brought it up.


	6. The Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions are answered and secrets are shown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! New chapter! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> TW: Bruises? Mentions of what happened in the last chapter.

When the car pulled into the driveway and Mark turned off the ignition, Dan climbed out. He desperately wanted to run to the bathroom and spend ten hours under the spray of water but his parents probably wouldn’t let him out of sight after what he did.

“Come on, love,” his mother said, placing her hand on his back to direct him towards the house. She removed her hand quickly though as Dan flinched without his permission and he was left to feel guilty at his mother’s saddened face.

“So, I guess the first question is why did you run away?” Dan’s father questioned, taking a seat next to his wife on the couch across from Dan.

“I didn’t,” he sighed in reply. “I just- I wanted to be alone for a while. Whenever I’m home, you’re always hovering over me and making sure I’m not going to do anything even though you locked up all the knives. I just wanted silence for a bit. I needed it,” Dan explained, hoping his parents could maybe understand his messed up mind.

“Bear, you know we only do that because we love you and are worried,” his mother explained.

“I know, I just want things to go back to normal,” he said, pulling his sleeves over his hands out of habit. He watched as his parents exchanged a glance and looked back to him.

“Can you show us your arms?” his father asked carefully.

Dan quickly shook his head. “No,” he stated clearly. He remembered back to that morning, Chris’ and Mike’s grips on his arms, keeping him still while they used him.

He shivered at the memory and looked back at his parents. “Dan, it’s time to show us now. It’s okay, we won’t be mad. We love you,” his father continued, voice warm and gentle like it always was.

Dan just shook his head more, mumbling “no” as he worked himself into a panic attack.

“Bear, you need to breathe with us, okay? Can you do that?” his mother said now. Dan nodded through his teary eyes and attempted to follow her breathing and counts. After the first few tries, he managed and his breathing slowed down.

“Okay, Love,” she said, resting her hand on his knee. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” he said instantly; his answer never changed.

“Dan, now, we really need to see your arms. Can you please show us?”

“No, I can’t. I’m sorry,” Dan paused as he took in his parents’ worried expressions. “I promise I haven’t done anything! I swear! I’ll show you in a few days, just, please,” he stopped, tears sliding down his face.

His parents exchanged more looks, seemingly having an entire conversation with just their eyes. “Okay, Love. I’ll ask you again tomorrow, but if I or Mark still haven’t seen anything by Saturday, I will be forced to take you to the hospital. And if I find anything, we will also go. Does that sound fair?”

“Yes, thank you. Now, please, may I go have a shower?” he rushed out, desperate to wash the filth from his body.

His mother sighed and nodded, Dan bolting from the room the second her head moved.

Sliding into the shower, Dan let the warm spray of water wash over him. It felt so nice to have the dirt and grime wash off him and down the drain.

He knew he was clean. Realistically, he had to be. After washing his hair three times and his body five, he knew it was impossible for him to still be dirty. But, well, he still felt filthy. He rubbed at his skin with his loafer, his bubblegum body wash covering his already-red arms again.

He looked at his stomach, cringing at the words that had now began to scab over. The words were still clear though. He still had a very obvious, very readable message across his stomach, making sure he’d never forgot about the fat that hung from his frame or that he ‘sucks cock like a pro’.

Tears streamed down his face but they were unnoticeable surrounded by the shower water as well. After standing under the spray for another few minutes, he begrudgingly decided he wasn’t going to get any cleaner.

Climbing out of the bath-shower combo, he grabbed his towel and wrapped it around himself. He peeked his head out the door, checking for his parents since he’d forgot to get clothes in his rush, and quickly walked down the hallway to his room, running like a schoolgirl in the rain.

After changing into new clothes, he headed back downstairs. “Mum?” he said, looking at his feet while his mother typed on her laptop.

The sounds of keys clacking stopped and she replied, “Yes, my baby?”

“I- uh, I kinda lost my phone,” he mumbled out. Now, his family wasn’t poor by any means but that didn’t mean his parents would happily go by him a new phone because he’d ‘lost’ his old one.

“You did now?” she said in a tone that hinted she wasn’t buying his story.

“Yes?”

“Uh-huh. So, if you lost it, explain to be how the police found it with a smashed screen on the ground in the forest?”

“Wait, they found it!?” he said excitedly, thinking he’d get to have his phone back.

“They did,” she confirmed. “You’re father’s taking it to the store right now to see if it can be repaired. It was out overnight and got a lot of rain. If it isn’t fixable, you’ll get a replacement, but it will be nowhere near as nice as the one you’ve got now. You’ll be able to call me and your father, that’s it,” she said sternly.

“Okay,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Love. How about you go visit Phil? He was really worried about you and I don’t think he knows you’re back yet.”

“Do I have to?” Dan whined, not really wanting to go outside, let alone see the person who had caused him to run away in the first place.

“It’ll be good for you to get outside for a bit. I don’t want you back for two hours,” she said, an undertone saying he had to come back later that day unless he wanted to be murdered, not that he was planning to run again.

“Fine,” he grumbled in reply, not saying the obvious ‘you realise I was out overnight, right?’ and going upstairs to pull on some pastel-blue converse. He looked over his outfit, purple jumper and white skinny jeans. He grabbed a blue flower crown so the outfit tied itself together and ran out of the house, yelling goodbye to his mother.

Turning onto Phil’s street, he felt a knot form in his stomach. He didn’t know why he didn’t just hideout in the park and pretend to have gone to see Phil. Maybe it was because he felt guilty for causing worry. Maybe it’s ‘cause is parents would almost definitely find out the truth anyway. Maybe he genuinely missed his blue-eyed… friend. The word seemed weird in Dan’s head but he knew that’s all they were. They were no longer boyfriends and in all honesty, they may not even be friends anymore.

Dan turned towards the familiar house. It was big, bigger than Dan’s but that’s because Phil’s parents’ had more than one kid to cater for.

He pulled on the little knocker attached to the door and pushed it against its holder, creating a ‘clack’ noise that echoed better than a knock would.

He heard an “I’ll get it” from the inside and seconds later, he was face to face with Philip Michael Lester.

“Oh my god, Dan!” he shouted, immediately rushing out the house and wrapping Dan in a hug.

Despite cringing at the touch, he accepted the hug, knowing he owed Phil at least that much.

“Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been so worried!” he shouted in that warm, concerned way that one could. It was a yell of excitement and worry, not anger.

“I needed to be alone for a bit, but I’m okay now,” he answered, following Phil inside the house.

“Would you like some tea? Something to eat maybe?” Phil asked, being more of a host than he ever was to Dan, well, aside from Dan’s first time in his house.

“No thanks,” Dan answered, taking a seat on the couch as Phil did the same.

“Daniel,” he started. Dan knew it was important what he was about to say; Phil never called him Daniel unless he was serious. “I’m so fucking sorry about what happened. I love you and I’d never break up with you. I was too drunk to really care at the time and I know you won’t ever forgive me but please at least accept my apology. I’ve been beating myself up over it, thinking how on Earth I could do something like that to-” Phil is cut off my Dan’s lips. He greedily kissed back, loving the feeling of Dan’s lips on his once again.

Phil rests his hands on Dan’s hips as he tries to deepen the kiss but Dan shudders and pulls back, eyes wide. “Shit, are you okay? I’m so sorry Dan,” he said again.

Dan pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and bit it, trying to hold back tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said, a tear sliding down his cheek despite his best efforts.

“No no, it’s okay, don’t apologise.”

Phil moved forward on the couch to comfort him more but Dan shook his head and stood up. “Dan?” Phil asked cautiously.

“I’m broken,” he sobbed, wrapping his arms around the bottom of his shirt and wringing it through his hands.

“Hey, don’t say that, it’s not true,” Phil argued, standing too so he could hug Dan.

“It is,” he said, tears sliding down his face as he pulled his shirt up and slid it off. Phil stared at his stomach, seeing the angry circles that formed the horrid words. His eyes slid along Dan’s torso, up to his chest and across his arms. Dark purple bruises covered his skin, undoubtedly in the shape of handprints.

Phil immediately wanted to throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! So many thanks for reading this far!


	7. The Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are revealed once Phil drags Dan to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hospitals, needles, mentions of rape/abuse.

“Daniel Howell?” a man in a light blue suit called. Phil, who was seated beside Dan, squeezed his hand and stood. “Follow me,” the man said, leading Dan and Phil down the hallway.

The man turned into one of the rooms and gestured for Dan and Phil to take a seat. Dan jumped onto the bed in the room while Phil sat beside him, his hand never letting go of Dan’s.

“My name is Dr Nox,” the doctor introduced. He turned his head to Phil, “And who are you?”

“Phil, Phil Lester,” he said. Dan hadn’t said a word since Phil had dragged him out of the house and onto his motorbike, saying they needed to go to the hospital right away.

“And how do you know Daniel?”

“Dan,” Phil corrected out of habit. “Um, he’s my boyfriend, kinda, it’s confusing.”

The man chuckled. “Alright. Now, Dan, what are you here for today?” he asked, directing his attention to Dan now. He watched as the man adjusted his clipboard and clicked his pen, ready to note Dan’s answers.

The room remained silent for a few seconds as they awaited Dan’s answer. After a minute, it became clear he wasn’t going to answer. The doctor turned his attention back to Phil. “Can you inform me of why you’ve come here this afternoon?”

“Um, Dan came over to mine and showed me his chest and stomach. He’s covered in bruises and he was saying that he was broken and stuff like that. It looks like someone tortured him,” Phil explained, rubbing his thumb over Dan’s knuckles.

“Uh-huh, Dan, can I see this please?” Dan nodded, unlinking his hand from Phil’s so he could lift up his shirt.

Dr Nox disregarded his clipboard to inspect Dan’s torso. “What’s this?” he said, lightly touching the words on Dan’s stomach after he slid gloves on. Dan twitched at the touch, fire coursing through him at the memories of pain.

“I’m not sure,” Phil answered truthfully, holding back tears as he looked at Dan’s stomach for a second time.

“I could be wrong but to be they look like burns from a cigarette. Daniel, can you tell me what happened?”

“H-hurt,” Dan mumbled, batting away the doctor’s hands.

“It must hurt. I can call for some panadol if you’d like? Can you tell me what happened?”

Dan nodded so the doctor called for a nurse but he never answered the second question. The doctor sighed and told the nurse what to bring once she arrived. “Phil, can you tell me what you know?”

“Uh, he ran away after I tried to speak with him- long story. Anyway, he disappeared and he wasn’t contacting anyone. He turned up at my house this afternoon with bruises covering his body. He kept on saying he was broken and that he was sorry, I don’t know why he was apologising though.”

“Okay, well, there isn’t much we can do without his cooperation. Do his parents how he’s here?”

“I don’t think so. I rushed him straight here.”

“So his parents still think he’s missing? Did they go to the police?”

“I’m not sure.” The doctor nodded and said he was going to go call Dan’s parents and inform them of the situation.

The couple arrived after a short fifteen minutes, barging into the room and demanding to know what happened. Mrs Howell broke down in tears once she saw Dan’s stomach and chest. Hugging him, she continued to apologise as if it were her own fault.

When the doctor returned, he introduced himself to Dan’s parents and began to explain the little information he knew.

“From what I can see and what I’ve been told, I believe Dan has gone through some kind of abuse. Without his help, though, we cannot really work out what’s going on.”

“Go,” Dan interrupted.

“Sorry?”

“Mum and dad. Phil, go,” he said again, speaking the most he had since he’d left for Phil’s house.

“Will you talk to me if they leave?” Dan sniffled and nodded his head so after more hugs and kisses from his mother, the three of them wandered out of the room. “Okay, Dan, can you tell me what happened?”

“Phil-Phil was scary so I- I left. And- I, uh, found a bridge. Hid under the bridge and slept. It was cold, rainy. I woke up and, hr was there. He’s mean. His friend was there too. They hurt, but I’m used to it. But, they hurt more than before,” Dan tried to explain, his brain stirred up and not entirely coherent.

“And what did they do?”

“Hurt, they hurt.”

“And how did they hurt?”

Dan sobbed. “Phil,” he cried.

“Phil hurt?”

“No, no, Phil never hurt. Phil nice. Where’s Phil? I want Phil!” Dan said, panicking now that he was alone with a stranger and the memories of the events came back clearer and clearer as he spoke. He’d repressed most of it, aware of what happened but remaining detached from it. Now, though, there was no more denying.

The doctor comforted him till Phil arrived, at which Dan cried and latched onto him, begging Phil to protect him.

Dan’s parents followed behind, obviously worried for their son.

“What’s going on?” Mr Howell asked the doctor, his hand rubbing up and down his wife’s back.

“I’m not entirely certain but Dan’s showing clear signs of abuse. Looking at the bruises, I’d be inclined to say it was sexual abuse,” he explained quietly, Dan too fragile to hear the words.

“No, no that can’t be right,” Mrs Howell defied.

“I’m sorry. I’m not certain, he won’t say what happened clearly, but the signs are there. In the meantime though, I will have to inform the police.”

~~~~

By nine o’clock that night, Dan had had a rape kit done and was exhausted. Explaining the events to the doctors was exhausting in itself and took far too long but Phil helped him through it. He wasn’t afraid of Phil, even if he looked ready to kill someone at times.

“Okay, the results have come back. We couldn’t find a match up to anyone who’s been accused of assault before. This means it was the first offence. Dan, do you remember what the people looked like?” Dr Nox asked. Dan’s parents were sat in a loveseat by the door, Phil sat in the armchair right next to Dan.

Dan nodded, eyes closed due to exhaustion.

“Do you know who they were?” Again, Dan nodded. He would never forget the faces of his bullies, even before the recent turn of events.

“And what are their names?”

Dan’s eyes snapped open. “No,” he said determinedly.

“Dan, we can’t help you if you don’t tell us the person who did this. Don’t you want them to get what they deserve?” he asked carefully.

“No!” Dan shouted. “No! You don’t know!” His breathing picked up and his heartbeat sped. The doctor stood aside while Phil and Dan’s parents attempted to calm him and slow his breathing to avoid a panic attack. “No, they hurt, no, can’t-can’t breathe,” Dan choked out.

Mrs Howell pulled back, afraid to watch her son like this. She pressed the emergency button as Phil and Dan’s dad tried to control his fighting.

“No no, can’t, breathe,” he huffed out, eyes watering as he desperately tried to take a breath.

Doctors and nurses ran in, quickly assessing the situation before replacing Phil and Mr Howell as a nurse prepared a sedative.

“It’s okay Daniel. Just breathe for me,” a kind nurse said as he injected the needle into his arm. “Go to sleep,” he said and Dan followed orders.

“Phil,” he choked out as his eyes slipped shut and his fighting ceased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! You're comments/kudos are what keep me writing!


	8. The Apologetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to come together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp8: (Intentional) Vomiting.
> 
> This one's also a little longer than usual (2.2K). I couldn't really find a good place to end it and I got really inspired halfway through so wanted to keep writing. I did find an ending I'm happy with though.

When Dan woke up, he found himself in the same room as before. The only difference was that this time the lights were dimmed and he was alone.

Looking around, he noticed the familiar signs of life. Flowers, crumpled blankets, seats moved from their home in the corner of the room. People had obviously been in here. So why couldn’t he remember anything?

“Ah, Mr Howell, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” A nurse questioned, entering the room after she spotted him.

“Al-alright, what’s going on? Where am I?”

“You’re at Castle-Hill Public Hospital. Your boyfriend brought you in after he saw the bruises across on your chest. Would you like me to get your parents, Love?” the red-haired woman explained, clutching a folder to her chest.

Dan simply nodded since his throat was sore. She excused herself and five or so minutes later, Dan’s parents walked in.

“Mum,” Dan said, reaching out to her for a hug. He hugged his father directly after and they took a seat next to him.

“Daniel, Love, can you tell us who caused the bruises?” Mrs Howell asked cautiously.

Dan didn’t answer, instead, he glared at the thin white sheets on the bed and shrugged his shoulders.

“Dan, you need to talk to us,” Mr Howell tried.

“No, I don’t. Tell me, what could possibly happen if I don’t say anything?” Dan said, voice scarily numb and void.

“The people who did this could hurt you more,” his mother cried. “I don’t like seeing you hurt, my baby. You deserve so much better than this and I want to protect you but I can’t. You need to protect yourself,” she said, tears of fear and stress sliding down her cheeks.

She’d aged a lot over the past week, as if it were her dumped by her boyfriend. Her wrinkles were more prominent than usual, clearly attempted to be covered by makeup. And she looked exhausted all the time, the hours of the day aging her further. Dan hated himself for causing that. His parents didn’t deserve anything he’d put them through.

“I’m fine. When can we go home?”

“That’s the thing. The doctors have said you’re free to go once we sign the papers. But, well, they’re recommending an in-patient programme to you. They’ve got a bed open with your name on it if you want.” He watched as his parents shared a look, hands interlocked with each other as they awaited Dan’s answer.

“I’m fine,” Dan said as clearly and confidently as he could.

“They also said that if you choose to go home, you’ll still need to see a psychologist.”

“Fine, whatever. Can you just go sign the papers? I really want to go home.”

“Of course,” Mr Howell whispered, standing and leading his wife from the room.

A half-hour later, Dan was equipped with medication to take daily as well as an appointment in five days with someone named Dr Charlotte Karter. Dan was not looking forward to that day. He was fine; he didn’t know why everyone kept treating him like he’d shatter at any second.

When the small family arrived home, Dan went to his bedroom. His parents left him be, knowing their hovering was one of the reasons Dan ran away in the first place.

As six-thirty ticked around, however, and Dan has still yet to be seen, his parents were forced to intervene. “Dan?” Mrs Howell called, lightly knocking on his door. “Dinner’s ready,” she said through the door.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Dan shouted from the bathroom so his mother could hear. He quickly finished drying off from his shower and slipped into some pastel PJs. He felt like he hadn’t worn any light pinks, blues or greens lately. Or any other pastel colour for that matter. He quickly blow-dried his hair for a few minutes before going downstairs, most of his hair still damp.

He cringed as his mum set a large bowl of pasta in front of him and his stomach grumbled noisily. Yes, he was hungry, but that didn’t mean he wanted his parents knowing that. He didn’t know why he was so much more opposed to eating than he usually was. He used to eat three meals a day but after Phil’s dare, he’d hardly managed to eat (and keep down) anything. Maybe he was relapsing? He knew it could happen, but he had been doing so well.

Dan picked up his fork and stabbed the filled pasta. The homemade tomato sauce that Dan loved as a kid dripped off it, back into the bowl. Pretending not to think about the number of calories in the single bite of food he was about to have, he shoved the food in his mouth and chewed.

Swallowing the clumpy food, he washed it down with the glass of water his mother had also given him. He continued to eat most of the food in his bowl before saying he was full.

His parents let him not finish since he’d eaten most of it and had shown he was quite willing to eat. Dan’s mum began to wash up after dinner while his father prepared the dinner. Dan said he was gonna go dry his hair a little more since he hated having it wet and did indeed do so. Well, he did so while leaning over the toilet with two fingers down his throat, the hairdryer helping to block out the sounds.

The sticky substance of partially digested food came up with practised ease and after he was bringing up nothing but clear liquid, he quickly brushed his teeth and finished blow-drying his hair.

By the time he was back downstairs, his parents were waiting on the couch so they could start the movie. Apparently Mr Howell had settled on  _ Thor: Ragnarok _ since they’d missed it when it was in theatres.

~~~~

Dan was stood in front of his mirror, light blue pyjama shirt discarded on his bed. The doctors had given him some cream for the burns so they may not scar so much. Dan’s parents were already in bed; the movie ended two hours ago. Dan hadn’t been able to get to sleep.

Dan gently applied the cream, wincing at the cold touch of his fingers. He rubbed the gel-like substance into the burns as per the doctors’ instructions. He frowned at the words and shuddered at the memory of pain that came with their creation.

He was well aware that he was fat, he didn’t need a constant reminder written on his skin. As for being a fag, he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t not attracted to boys, but he liked girls too. It was kind of just that he didn’t care. His crushes weren’t crushes because the person had boobs or a dick. He just happened to like them, whoever they were.

Dan slipped off his PJ pants and pulled on some black skinny jeans. He only owned one pair of them (Phil had given them to him) but he loved the rips in the dark fabric. He pulled on a dark purple galaxy sweatshirt and pulled on runners. Yes, it was nearing close to eleven o’clock but Dan had decided he needed to go for a jog, even just to burn off the dinner his body had absorbed.

He slipped through the front door quietly, locking it behind him and pocketing the key. He walked down the short driveway onto the walkway and started to jog. The dark night sky was really relaxing to him, even if he was freezing cold. He read somewhere that being cold would burn more calories so maybe he should make nightly runs a habit.

He turned off his street, running down the main road lit by amber streetlights. Dan could see his breath whenever he puffed out. For a brief second, Dan questioned when he’d gotten so unfit. But then he remembered his mother finding him collapsed on the bathroom floor and the doctors and the diagnosis. She’d put a halt on all his “unhealthy habits”, even if he was just keeping healthy.

“Dan!” a voice yelled. Dan tripped to a stop, feet falling over each other but managing to catch his balance. Turning around, he spotted a shivering Phil dressed in his pokemon flannel PJs. “What the hell are you doing out here?!” he whisper-shouted, stepping closer to Dan.

“Just, going for a jog. Couldn’t sleep so figured I’d do some exercise, the internet said it helps,” Dan lied easily.

“Are you sure?” Phil asked cautiously. “It doesn’t have anything to do with this?” he questioned, placing his hand gently over Dan’s stomach, right above where the words were.

Dan stepped back, shuddering as he suddenly realised how cold it was outside. “No,” he said. After looking into Phil’s eyes though, he realised the older boy didn’t believe a word he said. “Maybe,” he sighed.

“Come on,” Phil said, lightly grabbing Dan’s arm and pulling him into his house. “You can sleep here. I don’t want you walking home and getting stabbed. Or saying you’ll go home but then continue to run until you pass out. Do you have your phone?” Dan nodded. “Okay, text your parents, let them know where you are. I’ll go get some PJs for you.”

Dan didn’t argue, only pulling his phone from his pocket and compiling a text. After the message was sent, Dan put his phone back into his pocket and heard a ding from the direction of the lounge.

Phil was still upstairs from what Dan could hear so he wandered through the familiar house and found the phone - that belonged to Phil - resting on the sofa armchair.

_ 11:08 pm - From Tyler: Heard pastel-boy tried to kill himself. Good thing we did you a favour and got you to dump his gay ass (no offence Phil). All of us are heading to the beach tomorrow, wanna tag along? _

Dan read through the message and realised why Phil was doing any of this. Phil felt guilty. He thought Dan had tried to off himself and now he wanted to keep him safe. It was the moral thing to do, the human thing to do. Phil clearly didn’t care about him; after all, he dumped him. He’d forgotten that the past day or so but the fact still remained.

Dan imagined how Phil would have replied to the message had he not been looking after him.  _ Yeah, honestly, why’d you let me date him for so long. God was he pathetic. At least he’s out of the way now. _

Dan looked up as he heard humming from Phil and the sound of his feet padding along the ground.

“Here you g-oh. Dan, why are you crying?” Phil asked worriedly, putting down the pyjamas and pulling him into a hug. Dan fought back but since he wasn’t very strong, Phil easily contained him.

“Let me go!” Dan shouted, not hitting hard but knocking his collarbone. Phil pulled away to apply pressure to his clavicle out of sheer habit. Dan luckily didn’t run, he just stepped back, out of reach from Phil.

“Dan, what happened?” Phil said, voice completely serious but showing genuine concern. That was what confused Dan. Phil didn’t care, why would he put so much effort into acting like he cared about him when it was obvious he didn’t. Maybe Phil just wanted him for sex. Besides, he knew better than to think he was worth more than that.

“What do you want from me?” Dan asked quietly, almost hoping Phil didn’t hear.

“What?”

“What do you want from me? You broke up with me, you don’t care about me yet you keep pretending to like me and for what? Do you just want me for sex or something?” Dan wiped a tear that had fallen from his eye.

It was at that moment that Phil’s phone buzzed again, signalling a missed message. Phil ignored it, turning back to Dan.

“Read it,” Dan ordered, glaring at the phone with more anger than he’d ever had at an object before.

Phil carefully picked up his phone, as if afraid to startle Dan. “Did you read this?” Phil asked seconds later, already knowing the answer.

“Does it matter? He just said what I should have already realised.” Dan had his arms crossed, a habit Phil had learnt meant he was trying to protect his heart from any hits. Trying to protect himself from anything that could hurt him. A defence mechanism, if you will.

“Tyler’s a dickhead. I blocked his number so he must have gotten a new phone. I haven’t spoken to him or the others since the sleepover, I swear. He’s lying anyway. I  _ do _ care about you and while I do feel guilty for what I’ve caused, that doesn’t mean I’m only here for myself. And as for what you said, how could you ever even think that I just want you for sex? I wasn’t your boyfriend for over a year just for the occasional handjobs because you didn’t want to go any further yet. I love you, Dan, I don’t care if we have sex or not, I respect you and don’t want to push you into anything,” Phil said, venting all of his emotions and leaving them bare for Dan to see. For Dan to judge and to decide his views of Phil.

It apparently didn’t take long for Dan to decide as he collapsed against Phil’s chest, sobbing as he whispered, “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”


	9. The Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan receives a present and feels overly insecure when a new boy arrives at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp9: (Intentional) Vomiting, self-harm.

Life had returned to much what it was like before Phil broke up with him and before Chris and Mike attacked him. Dan was very much aware of what happened to him, and regardless of how much his parents and Phil said it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t believe them.

It was his fault he refused to listen to Phil and it was his fault he ran away. It was his fault he ignored his parents and it was his fault he fell asleep under the bridge he knew drug addicts probably frequented at. Really, he should have been more careful. He should have just listened to Phil even if he didn’t want to.

Dan had been allowed a few days off to recover from the events but once the new week rolled around, he was dressing himself in pastels and climbing into the car with Mr Howell.

“You ready?” he asked as he started the car.

“Not really,” Dan mumbled in reply, turning his head to rest against the glass and look at the trees pass by.

“You’ll be okay. Phil’s there, right?”

“Yep.” Dan’s father caught onto the hint that he wasn’t in the mood to talk so stopped asking questions that would only get one or two-word answers. It wasn’t until they parked at the school did he speak again.

“I’m only a call away, remember that, okay?”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I hate pulling you from work though. You’ve got your own life to live,” Dan answered, grabbing his bag and closing the car door behind him before his dad could reply.

Dan wasn’t even inside the school yet when his phone buzzed.

_ 8:28 am - From Dad: I love you, Dan. I don’t mind missing work if you need me. You’re more important than any work I could ever be doing. _

Dan was going to reply but couldn’t make himself. What did you say to that anyway? He just pushed open the heavy glass door and made his way to his locker.

“Hey fag,” a voice sneered, making Dan shiver at its familiarity.

“What do you want, Mike?” Dan asked, trying to sound confident but knowing he failed miserably.

“Aw, don’t be like that. We had fun last week, didn’t we? Speaking of, the whole school knows what a slut you are. I mean, sleeping with your ‘bullies’, you must be desperate,” he laughed, air-quoting ‘bullies’ as if he didn’t believe he was one.

“W-What?” Dan stuttered, now overly aware of all the eyes on him. Oh god, everyone knew how much of a slut he was. Mike was right, he had sex with the people he hated most in the world. He felt disgusted with himself but couldn’t get away; Mike would only chase him and beat him up if he tried to run.

“You heard me. Oh, and Phil told me that your parents took away your blades. You don’t deserve that so, here, have a gift.” He pulled a box from his pocket and forced it into Dan’s hands. “Open it,” he snapped when Dan stared at the closed box.

Hands shaking, Dan lifted the small box’s lid, revealing a silver switchblade with the words ‘fat fag’ badly engraved on it. The etched metal was wonky and clearly only done with a knife, not a professional with the right tools. Regardless, it still hurt. Of course, it still hurt.

“I don’t want it,” Dan said, trying to sound as if he were serious. In all honestly, though, his arms were itching for him to run to the bathroom and pull up his sleeves. The urge was a lot more than he’d ever felt before but he tried to ignore it. It had only been this strong once, one and a half years ago, the same day Dan’s parents found out about everything.

He’d come home from school after another beating from James. He jogged home, feeling lightheaded the entire way and having to stop for a break. His stomach had grumbled in demand but he ignored it. In his mind, if he was skinny enough, James and Chris and Mike would leave him alone.

“Daniel, where have you been?” his mother had called from the kitchen once he’d closed the front door.

“Sorry, I had to speak with a teacher about some work due tomorrow,” he’d lied easily. Lying came naturally to him, especially after he’d done so much of it. Even now, he was a good lier, others were just better at catching him when he did it.

“Okay, dinner’s in an hour. Go wash up and do some homework. I’ll call you down when it’s ready.”

Dan had followed her orders for the most part. He’d washed up but didn’t do any homework. He’d finished it all at school during classes since they just explained concepts he already knew. Instead, he’d locked his bedroom door and did sit-ups, jumping jacks, push-ups and a variety of other exercises.

When he’d been called down for dinner, his stomach grumbled appreciatively. He’d headed downstairs and saw two greasy pizzas sitting on the kitchen table, three plates surrounding them on the small table.

That night, Dan had eaten an entire pizza. He hadn’t meant to, really, he wasn’t able to control himself. It was as if his stomach took over and was demanding he eat so his body wouldn’t collapse. Not even an hour later, Dan realised just how much he’d eaten. He’d excused himself to the bathroom only to eject all of the oil-filled food he’d eaten into the white porcelain of the toilet bowl.

Even once he’d been bringing up nothing more than clear fluid though, he decided he’d needed more. He needed to be punished for eating so much. He had crawled across the tiled floor, too weak to stand, and pulled his blade out.

His body had yearned for the blade, demanded it. He’d pressed the blade against his skin and slid it along the pale flesh, watching as blood pooled. It wasn’t enough. He’d added another and another and another. He wasn’t really aware of how lightheaded he’d become until he started seeing black in his vision.

He’d never planned to die, not really, but he figured this wasn’t an awful way to go out. That was until his mother came in, screaming loud enough to bring him back to consciousness temporarily.

The next thing he’d remembered was waking up in a hospital. How he’d convinced his parents to let him go home was a mystery but he was glad he had. He was not messed up enough to need inpatient programming. He didn’t need anyone, all he needed was his blade. His parents, well, they didn’t necessarily agree with him.

This was all before Phil, of course. Dan had met Phil in the hospital actually. He was visiting his grandmother and got the wrong room number. Somehow, they’d just connected and continued to see each other. One day, a month after they’d met and three weeks after Dan had been released from the hospital, Phil confessed his feeling for Dan and asked him on a date. Dan was over the moon and obviously said yes, kissing him then and there. That was their first kiss, sat on the beach as the sun set over the ocean.

“Sure you don’t. I know what you do want though. Chris and I’ll be waiting, we look forward to it,” he laughed before walking off and disappearing into the crowd of staring teenagers. Dan cringed at the thought of what could be waiting for him at lunch. He’d prefer a beating but it sounded like they had other plans.

Shivering, Dan pocketed the blade, promising himself it was just for emergencies and shoved the now empty box into his bag. The trip to his homeroom was thankfully uneventful compared to the morning. Phil was there when he arrived, sitting and chatting with some boy he didn’t recognise. Dan rolled his eyes, knowing he’d probably be late to his own homeroom.

“Hey, Dan!” he called, waving him over. “Pj, this is Dan. Dan, Pj, today’s his first day.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dan whispered, feeling shy as he hid behind Phil. He wondered if either Phil or Pj had heard the rumours; Phil knew the truth but Pj didn’t. What if Pj genuinely believed he was a slut. I mean, he was, but that didn’t mean he wanted everyone knowing that.

“You too. Hey, I don’t bite, you don’t need to be afraid of me,” Pj joked, slipping onto the desk he was leaning against. Pj looked similar to Phil with tattoos on his arms and piercing on his face.

Dan smiled, eyes downcast as Phil linked their hands together. They weren’t officially an item again yet, but their relationship was similar to how it had been before the “break up.”

“I’m not,” Dan mumbled unconvincingly.

Phil simply laughed and squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Pj’s nice. Besides, you two have exactly the same timetable so you better get used to him.”

“You’ve seen his timetable?” Dan questioned. He didn’t particularly like Pj. He was alright as a person, but he and Dan looked similar enough to make Dan worry. What if Phil realised how much better Pj was and went out with him instead? What if Phil realised how disgusting and useless Dan was and went with Pj? Pj didn’t have all these problems, and he clearly had the same interests and Phil; he was the idealised version of Dan. He was-

“Dan!” Phil shouted, clicking his fingers in front of his face. “What were you thinking about?” he asked, voice full of worry and concern. Dan hated that. He hated making people worry about him all the time.

“I’m fine,” Dan answered out of instinct, pulling his hand from Phil’s and running from the room despite the teacher telling him class started in two minutes. Dan had better plans. Reaching into his pocket, he wrapped his hand around the cool metal of the blade and breathed out. He was going to get his release.


	10. The Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan panics after meeting Pj and seeing James smoking with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp10: Panic attacks. As always, please tell me if I miss anything!

“I’m fine,” Dan said, pulling his hand out of Phil’s grip and running out the room. The teacher shouted at him, saying class started in two minutes and he’d get a detention if he was late. Dan didn’t seem to care.

“Is he okay?” Pj asked, watching the door slam closed behind him.

“He will be,” Phil sighed, taking a seat. Pj sat down next to him, saying something about hoping Dan could help him learn his way around. A few minutes into class, Phil felt a pit form in his stomach. Dan never missed classes unless he was sick; he was a ‘goodie-two-shoes’, something Phil loved to jokingly make fun of.

“Miss, can I go to the bathroom?” he asked after she called on him.

“You can go during swap over,” she replied, looking back down at her laptop and typing something.

Phil simply sighed and nodded. Checking the teacher wasn’t looking, he pulled his phone out and quickly messaged Dan.

_ 8:49 am - To Dan: Hey love, are you okay? Let me know what’s going on, please. I love you. _

Phil pocketed his phone, pulling out his book for Literature and beginning to read.

Dan never replied, and he didn’t return to homeroom, only causing Phil to worry more. A few minutes before the bell rang, Phil exchanged phone numbers with Pj and asked him to message him if and when he saw Dan. Pj agreed, albeit confused.

~~~~

Dan never made it to the bathroom. He’d been walking through the halls, avoiding teachers who would yell at him to get to class if he was spotted.

He turned down one of the quieter corridors that lead to a science lab and bathroom. He stopped quickly though as he smelt smoke and saw James laughing with his friends. Though Chris and Mike weren’t there, tears still came to Dan’s eyes as he turned and ran.

He didn’t want to remember the pain, pain that would be recreated soon enough if Chris’ words were anything to go by.

The bell rang and the halls quickly filled with students. He stopped running, hiding himself next to a row of lockers and sliding down to his knees.

Tears streamed his face as he panicked, praying no one he knew say him. “Hey, you okay?” a voice asked that sounded vaguely familiar. Dan looked up through foggy eyes and landed of Pj. He looked concerned, even with his piercings and tattoos which made him look void of emotion.

“P-Phil, need Phil,” Dan sobbed. Phil and his parents were the only ones who could help him calm his breathing.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know where he is. Come on, let’s get you out of here.” Dan shakily stood on his feet, most of his nonexistent weight on Pj. They stumbled through the hallways, getting lots of looks. After all, the sobbing pastel-boy practically clinging to a punk they’d never seen before was a bit of an odd sight.

“Here we go,” Pj said, pushing open the door with his free arm and leading Dan into the bathroom. Pj let go of Dan to lock the door so no one would come in. Expecting Dan to be able to hold his weight, he didn’t think anything of it until he turned back around to see Dan sobbing on his knees. “I don’t-I don’t know what to do. Dan, what do I do?” he asked worriedly, hands floating about him but not touching. He’d read that touching people in a panic attack could make them worse.

“Ph-Phil, Phil, please, Phil, need Ph-Phil,” Dan mumbled through his tears. Pj pulled out his phone, pressing on Phil’s contact and calling him.

“He-”

“Phil!” Pj shouted, cutting off Phil. “I found Dan, he’s having a panic attack or something, I don’t know what to do?”

“Where are you?”

“In a bathroom. I think we’re near homeroom?” Pj answered, still not really sure of how to get around the school. It was his first day after all.

“P-Phil,” Dan cried, hearing Phil’s voice through the phone.

“Dan, Dan I’m here. You’re okay, Love. Can you breathe for me? Follow Pj’s counts.” Pj began counting, remembering what he’d learnt about panic attacks from his sister.

“Pj! Let me in!” a shout from outside the bathroom came. Pj immediately stood and unlocked the door, Phil rushing in and over to Dan a second later. “Hey Dan, you’re okay, I’m here. I’ve got you, Love.”

Phil continued to say words of reassurance, breathing in and out slowly so Dan could follow. Eventually, the crying stopped, Dan panting heavily as he leaned against Phil’s chest. Phil had seen enough of Dan’s anxiety attacks to know that they left him exhausted.

“Love, do you want to go to the office so you can go home?” Dan nodded against Phil, getting up from his lap and wiping his eyes. Dan hid his face in Phil’s shoulder while he talked to Pj.

“Take care of yourself, Dan,” he said before leaving Dan and Phil alone in the bathroom. Phil led him out of the bathroom and to the office, Dan hanging off him the entire time as if Phil were his lifeline.

After Phil had explained to the office assistant that Dan needed to go home, he took him to the sofa and sat them down. “Danny, can you tell me what happened?” Phil asked.

“H-hurt, they hurt,” Dan answered, voice muffled as he hid his face in Phil’s shoulder.

“Who hurt? If anyone touched you I’ll kill them,” Phil threatened. Dan tensed at Phil’s words, afraid of the anger, but Phil quickly apologised and calmed down again.

Dan shook his head. “Burn, hurt,” Dan said simply as if he were making complete sense. Luckily, Phil was used to dealing with Dan like this so the pieces clicked together.

“The people who burnt you hurt?” Dan nodded, his tears wetting Phil’s clothes. “What did they do?”

“N-nothing, just-just re-rememb-bered.” Dan’s words dawned on Phil as his father came barging in. The people who hurt Dan were students or teachers. Either way, they were people at the school and people who could easily hurt him again; who have hurt him again.

“Dan, hey, how are you feeling?” Mr Howell asked, crouching before Dan who was sat in Phil’s lap still.

“Dad, they-they’re still here,” he sobbed. His eyes looked back between Phil and his dad as if he wasn’t sure who he wanted the comfort from. He eventually decided, climbing out of Phil’s arms and rushing into his father’s.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again, okay? I’ve got you,” Mr Howell whispered as Dan calmed down for a second time. Once Dan’s breathing returned to somewhat normal, Mr Howell handed him over to Phil so he could sign the forms to get him out of school.

Once that was done, Mr Howell was thanking Phil for all his help and leading his son out of the building and towards the car park. “Wait,” Dan said, pulling away of his father’s arm that was wrapped around his shoulders.

He turned back to the school and ran into the office where Phil was getting a slip written explaining why he was late to class. He ran into Phil’s arms, the older having spun around and opened his arms at the sight.

“Hey, Love, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out, exhausted already and even more tired after running. “Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” Phil smiled, only then realising how much he missed Dan saying those words to him.

“I love you, too, Bear,” he said, smiling at Dan’s dad as he came back to collect his son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying it so far!! I think I'll have around 18 chapters in the end but that is just an estimate so it could (unlikely) be less or (more likely) a lot more.


	11. The Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and his dad make a deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp11: Mentions of (intentional) vomiting, references to eating disorders.

Dan’s dad drove them both home. Dan was silent the entire way, concentrating on his thoughts far too much to entertain his father’s desire for conversation. When Mr Howell pulled up into the driveway and put the car in park, Dan remained still. “Dan?” his father called, taking off his own seatbelt and grabbing his phone.

“Hmm?” he answered, eyes not straying from where they stared out the window.

“It’s time to go inside now,” he said, speaking normally despite the sentence itself making Dan seem like a three-year-old.

“Mhm,” Dan hummed, slowly taking off his seatbelt and grabbing his schoolbag. He wandered into the house, moving and hearing but not really being there. Dan turned to head up the stairs to his room once he was inside and had his shoes off but his father stopped him.

“Dan, can you come sit on the couch please?” he asked, his hand gripped lightly but firmly on Dan’s arm and lightly stroking his thumb over the covered skin. Dan only hummed again in acknowledgement, stepping away from the stairs and towards the lounge.

“Can you tell me why the school called me? I don’t mind having to pick you up, I’d just like to understand what happened,” Mr Howell questioned, calmingly tapping his finger on Dan’s knee.

“Just, remembered some things. Kinda freaked out, I guess,” Dan mumbled, pulling his knees up into his chest to wrap his arms around them.

“Remembered what?”

“C- um, C and M,” he answered. That was what he’d taken to saying instead of Chris’ and Mike’s names. He didn’t want anyone knowing who they were; he didn’t want anyone to know who did those things to him that made him shower for an hour at a time. He hadn’t referred to them like that around Phil though. He knew they teased and abused him, he’d be able to put two and two together easily enough.

“Oh Dan,” his father sighed, shuffling over on the couch to wrap his arms around Dan. “It’s okay, Dan. I won’t let them hurt you ever again, okay? I’ll protect you and you’ll be safe for the rest of your life.”

“Can I go to my room?” Dan asked suddenly. His father pulled back, carefully sculpting his face to one of neutral expression and nodded.

“Of course, thank you for talking to me.” With his father’s permission, Dan stood from the couch, grabbing his backpack and marching up the stairs into his room. He quickly stripped out of his clothes, desperate for the comfort he got from his Winnie The Pooh PJs (and who was to say a seventeen-year-old boy couldn’t wear PJs with Pooh-Bear on them?). Tossing his clothes in the laundry basket by the door, his jeans thudded to the ground.

Walking over to where they fell, he picked them up and pulled out the switchblade he’d been ‘gifted’ from Chris. He knew he should tell his dad, or his mum, or Phil. He knew someone needed to know so they could take it off him before he did anything with it but he couldn’t. He was so used to keeping secrets, so used to not telling his parents what was going on. Pulling open his bedside drawer, he shoved it to the back, piling papers and books and an assortment of other things on top to block its view. He wasn’t going to use it. It was there only for when there was nothing else he could do, when he desperately needed it to quiet his mind.

Dan snuggled into his pyjamas, wrapping his blanket around him and curling up on the mattress. He lay there for maybe half an hour before his father came back up, saying that he’d called Dan’s mum and explained what happened and also that he’d prepared lunch.

Dan hummed at the first part before rolling over onto his left, facing the wall when he heard the second. “Dan, come on. You know you need to eat,” he tried. Dan simply ignored him and his mind as they both berated him, his father for not wanting to eat and his mind for causing worry.

“Daniel,” his father said sternly after being ignored for five minutes. “You need to eat. If you don’t, I’ll drive you straight back to school,” he threatened.

Dan stirred a little, grumbling in discontent as he rolled over, glaring at his father as he sat up. “Do it,” he dared, facing straight forward towards the door and not looking at his dad.

“Dan, just eat, please,” he begged. Dan had known his father would never make him go back to school, especially if something there had reminded him of C and M.

“I’m not hungry,” Dan stated clearly, hands clenching onto the bedsheets.

“Daniel,” his father said, voice getting lower and more serious with each word he spoke.

“Don’t ‘Daniel’ me, Mark,” he laughed, using his father’s first name as a way of signifying Dan wasn’t less than him, that they were, in a sense, equals. “I can do what I want. I’m seventeen, turning eighteen in a few months. You won’t have to look after me for much longer; hell, you don’t have to look after me now. So maybe you should just be less selfless and start caring more about yourself. Go treat yourself, see a movie, go out with your work friends. Do something other than worry about me all the time because I can take care of myself, Dad. I can look after myself even though you and mum and everyone else might not think I can.”

Mr Howell looked confused for a bit, then contemplating. “Listen, how about you make a deal. You show me that you can take care of yourself and I’ll back off and get your mother to back off a bit too. That means eating three meals a day, showering, maintaining grades. Okay? You show me you can do that and you can be as free as any other teenager.”

“Fine,” Dan agreed, already subconsciously planning ways to trick his parents into thinking he’s eaten. Grades and showering was no problem. He’d happily do the latter and somewhat-happily complete his homework.

“Great!” his father nodded happily. “Now, I’ve made some soup if you’d like some, but since you’re proving to me you can take care of yourself, you’re welcome to make something else.” Dan nodded, agreeing that he’d eat something soon just to get his father off his back. His parents might let him out of their sight after meals now that he was ‘taking care of himself’. If so, he could easily go to the bathroom and expel the contents of his meal into the toilet. And he could run to and from school, doing extra exercise to burn off whatever was absorbed before he could throw it up.

With that plan in mind, Dan headed downstairs, grabbing a big glass of water and serving himself a bowl of potato and leek soup, his favourite.

~~~~

Phil met up with Pj for lunch. They decided to eat outside since it was actually a nice day in England for a change. They chatted, learning things about each other. Pj was a perfect match for Dan and Phil, sharing all the same interests while still being unique in his opinions and desires.

“Want one?” Pj asked, pulling out a cigarette and holding the box out towards Phil. He had been trying to quit. He knew how awful a habit it was and Dan never liked it but, well, he was stressed. Saying no to things you were so used to having was always harder while under any kind of pressure. Besides, what was one little cigarette?

“Sure,” Phil answered, taking a stick from the box and passing it back to Pj. “Thanks.”

Pj lit the two cigarettes and puffed on his. “So, do you mind if I ask what happened with your- are you and Dan dating?”

Phil chuckled. “It’s complicated, and I’m not sure how much Dan would be comfortable with me sharing. There are just some things that have happened recently that make him really on edge,” Phil answered, hoping it would be enough. He couldn’t exactly say that Dan was raped by two people a week ago, and on top of all that has depression, anxiety and anorexia. I mean, they only met Pj that morning and Phil’s parents didn’t even know the full details of Dan’s condition.

“No, that’s fine, I understand. Sorry for asking.”

“It’s no problem, it’s just- it’s not up to me who knows and how much they know.”

“Yeah, yeah that’s fine, honestly. Hey, do you think you could give me Dan’s number?” Pj looked a little shy asking, as if he wasn’t sure it was appropriate. It was an odd look considering his appearance of black black black and tattoos covering his pale skin.

Phil just laughed a little at Pj’s awkwardness and typed Dan’s number (he knew it off by heart) into Pj’s phone.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

They chatted for a little longer, munching on their food in between puffs from their cigarettes, until the bell rang, aggressively warning students they had two minutes to get to their next class. That bell always sounded awful. Some schools had a lovely little chime while their school’s bell sounded like a dying goose attempting to squawk itself back to life. It was something you never got used to and was only amusing if you’d had a very good nights sleep. Any other time and the sound just made you want to rip your ears off so you couldn’t hear it or your teachers droning on about Newton’s laws of thermodynamics.

Phil and Pj said goodbye to each other, stubbing out the half-burnt cigarettes and jogging into the building along with the other students who’d been outside.

~~~~

“Dan?” his mother called, lightly knocking on his door before pushing it open. It was a little after two and his mum had just arrived home from work, having a half-day that day. She usually stayed around an extra hour to pick up Dan if neither had anything on.

“Hmm?” he mumbled, hands tangled in his hair as he stared at the geometry homework on his dark wood desk.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. Dan heard the floorboards creak as she stepped further into the room, walking over to Dan and standing behind him at his desk. She placed her hands on his shoulders, squeezing and rubbing them to release the tension.

“Tired, but I have to do this,” he answered, picking up his pen again and writing a few numbers down into his book as he began answering the next question.

“It’s only two o’clock. You could have a nap then do some more before dinner?” she suggested. Dan only shrugged, mumbling something about being behind due to all the missed school. His mother sighed and said, “Don’t work yourself too hard, Love.” She squeezed his shoulders once more before leaving the room, whispering, “I love you,” as she closed the door.

Dan smiled to himself, eternally happy that his parents put up with him and all his problems. He knew people online whose parents disowned them as soon as they showed signs of weakness. He knew people who lived in youth shelters because they got kicked out after telling their parents they were gay or bi or anything else that wasn’t cishet. Really, Dan was very very lucky and had some of the best parents in the world. They only pushed him so far, and whenever they did, it was only because they loved him and wanted the best for him.

Dan shook himself from his thoughts, telling himself that if he finished his homework, he could do forty sit-ups and then have a nap. With that promise to himself, he finished the last ten questions quickly and got down on the floor to do the sit-ups he’d earnt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying it so far! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, I think I've decided on a happy but not so happy ending for this story so look forward to that (it's honestly not very happy but it's not entirely depressing).


	12. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New beginnings and new friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp12: References to vomiting/eating disorders, references to cutting, & non-con. Another minor one at the end cause spoilers.

A week had passed in a boring blur of exercise, homework and tricking his parents and Phil into thinking he was eating. The usual, really. Phil and Pj had become a lot closer, much to Dan’s dismay. As far as he could see, it was only a matter of time until Phil broke up with him (again) and asked Pj out.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. And by that Dan meant that he was continually being beaten and broken by Chris and Mike, James joining in too a few times. Forcing Dan to give them blowjobs or handjobs or god forbid a riding, they all just laughed and joked while one of them (or two) got Dan’s unrequited attention. One of them was always filming, careful not to get their faces in it but making it clear it was Dan. They threatened to show everyone how much of a slut he was if he dared utter a word about any of it. Dan complied, not wanting anyone (but especially Phil) to know how slutty he was.

Phil had questioned his whereabouts a few times, Dan just claiming that he had detention or had homework to do, the former quite unreasonable for him since he hated doing anything against his teachers. Even Pj had taken to calling him a ‘goodie-two-shoes’ from time to time, laughing directly after about how dumb the saying was. Even though he knew he was joking, Dan only liked the moke-insult when it came from Phil’s mouth. 

Whenever they were together, Phil was always hanging off Pj. Not literally but he may as well have been. Whenever Pj uttered a word, Phil’s head snapped straight to him. Whenever he said something mildly funny, Phil was laughing. Maybe it was entirely Dan’s imagination, maybe it wasn’t, but it definitely felt like Phil had a crush on Pj. Once Dan’s mind had conjured up the idea of seeing them holding hands and kissing in school, he quickly dismissed himself, saying he had to get home before running out of Phil’s room, not even stopping to say goodbye to his mum which he always did. Again, goodie-two-shoes.

“What’s up with Dan?” Pj questioned Phil. They were stood outside, each holding a cigarette in hand. Dan had come to join (not to smoke but to spend time with them) but he’d overheard Pj asking about him. Sue him, he was an overly curious person and wanted to know what the person who was going to steal his boyfriend thought about him.

“What do you mean?” he heard Phil respond.

“I swear he hates me. He’s always glaring at me. I don’t think he even realises he’s doing it. The only time he ever talks to me is when your around or I initiate the conversation, and even then it’s always short answers and an excuse to get away.”

“I, I haven’t noticed it. Dan takes a while to warm up to people, I’m sure it’s nothing personal.”

“Whatever dude. I gotta get to class. Seriously though, tell your boyfriend I’m not trying to get in your pants or anything.”

“Ew,” Phil laughed, grossed out by the idea of even kissing Pj. They were good friends, yeah, but nothing more. “I’ll text you later!” Phil shouted as Pj ran off. He sighed, putting out the cigarette and pulling his bag back onto his shoulders.

~~~~

“Dan!” his mother screamed. He dropped the switchblade, the metal clanking against the tiles of the bathroom.

“Mum,” he breathed out, scared at the wild look in her eyes. She looked absolutely terrified and infuriated at the same time.

“Get in the car,” she barked, a glare set on her features.

“What?”

“Get. In. The. Car. I’m sick of this. You’re going to the hospital and that’s final.”

Dan stood up, feeling light-headed from the blood loss as he did so, and glared back at his mother. “No. You can’t make me.”

“Wanna bet, Daniel? Trust me, you don’t want to test me. Now grab a shirt and get in the car.”

“Mum, just listen. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.” He moved to the sink, putting his arm under the tap to wash away the blood. He grabbed some gauze from the cabinet after that and wrapped it around his arm, his mother watching silently the entire time.

“Daniel, I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you anymore. You barely eat, and whatever you do ends up in the toilet; yes, I have heard you every single time. You’re doing so much exercise and you’re cutting again. Dan, you need help and your father and I can no longer provide the amount of support you need. I don’t want to send you away but it’s what’s best for you. We can do this the hard way if you want Daniel, but you are going to the hospital.”

His mother turned to leave before spinning back around, grabbing the blood-covered switchblade and walking from the room with a calm but worried air about her. Dan simply accepted his fate, grabbing a jumper and slipping it over his cut and burnt torso. The jumper, which was already two sizes smaller than what it should be, hung loosely from his shoulders, covering him in too much fabric much like Phil’s clothes did.

He marched down the stairs, phone in his pocket and lighter in the other. He always carried the lighter. Mike had given it to him, claiming that he had spares. It hadn’t taken Dan long to realise what he was supposed to do with it. He still cut, the blade providing a comfort the heat never could. But if he needed to quickly release, the lighter was better. The effect was near-instant and there was no cleaning afterwards. Just a quick flicker and he was good to go.

Dan slid into the car, a backpack full of his clothes, that his mother had prepared at some point in time, on the floor in front of him. As his mother drove, he stared out the window, watching the people and houses and bikes pass by. All the people who had perfect lives with their perfect families and perfect jobs. Dan would hate them if he knew it wasn’t their fault he was so messed up.

“We’re here,” his mother whispered, lightly touching his shoulder to get his attention. Dan hummed, grabbing the bag and climbing out of the car. He followed his mother into the building that had a big sign labelling it as ‘Blossom Psychiatric Hospital’.

“Hello, how may I help you today?” the nurse asked, a smile on his face. He looked far too happy to be surrounded by crazy people.

“I was wondering if I could put my son in as an in-patient?” Mrs Howell questioned, putting her hand behind Dan’s back to push him forward into view; he’d been hiding behind his mother like a shy toddler.

“Well, there is a waitlist. However, a doctor can see you and you may be able to be put in emergency placement. If you’d like to wait, I’ll call a doctor to see you soon.”

“Thank you,” Mrs Howell said with a smile. She gave the man Dan’s name before turning and leading Dan over to a comfortable looking couch against the wall. It was maybe a ten-minute wait before a doctor came and called out, “Daniel Howell?” His full name sounded weird on a stranger’s tongue but he stood regardless and followed the man to a room, his mother trailing behind.

“Now, what brings you here today?” he asked, taking a seat and grabbing his clipboard from the table.

Dan glanced to his mum before answering. “My mum dragged me here.”

“Uh-huh, and why did she do that?” he asked, humouring him and his unhelpful answers.

“She saw me cutting,” he mumbled, pulling his sleeves further over his hands shyly.

“And why do you do that?” he asked, scribbling something down onto his paper.

“It helps. Can you just say you won’t accept me so I can go home?” he snapped. He didn’t need to be here. He was fine. So what if he couldn’t eat a sandwich without being consumed by guilt? So what if he ran ten kilometres every day after school? So what if he passed out against his pillow every night, too exhausted to even contemplate dinner?

“Okay, well, we’re going to run a full assessment of you before we make any decisions. We’ll start with some easier questions though first. What’s your date of birth?”

“June 11, 1991,” he mumbled. The doctor, who Dan realised never introduced himself, continued with a series of questions, centring around Dan’s life as a whole.

“Okay, now we need to answer some more personal questions. We ask that parents and guardians leave the room for this part. Is that alright with you?” Dan nodded and his mother stood, leaving the room.

“Now, can you explain to me why your mum brought you here today?” he asked, sounding kind but Dan knew better.

“As I said, she caught me cutting. I barely eat as well and whatever I do gets thrown up ‘cause I don’t want to be any fatter. She’s just sick of dealing with me.”

“Uh-huh, and why do you throw up your meals?”

“I’m anorexic. I was recovered for the most part but then Ph- nevermind,” he started, cutting himself off before he revealed too much.

“Did something make you relapse?”

“I guess, never really got back to normal though.”

“Do you know what made you relapse?”

“The fuck does that matter to you?!” Dan shouted. He didn’t want to talk anymore. This doctor was far too nosey and Dan just wanted to go home where he could exercise in the quiet of his bedroom, maybe with some music playing instead to quiet his mind.

“I’m just trying to understand the situation,” he answered, holding his hands up to signal he meant no harm. He proceeded to ask a heap of questions, getting one or two-word answers for each. Eventually, he just sighed and said he wanted to speak with Dan’s mum.

They swapped places and Dan took a seat in the waiting room. After fifteen minutes, Dan had lost himself in the world of music. His head was tilted back against the cool wall as  _ Hold On Till May _ by Pierce The Veil blasted his ears, the lyrics comforting him.

He was pulled from his world of content by his mother as she tapped his shoulder, a sad smile on her lipstick-covered lips.

“Mr Howell, we have decided you would benefit from participating in our in-patient program. Your mother has agreed for you to begin right away,” the doctor said, smiling at Dan.

Dan only glared at the two adults. How dare they pretend to know what was best for him? How dare they think putting him in with the psychos would help him? How dare they make these decisions for him without any thought to his own personal wishes?

His mother hugged him goodbye, promising to come back the next day with his father. When Dan asked, his mum said she’d spoken with him on the phone as she waited for Dan and that he agreed an in-patient program was best for him if that’s what the doctors thought. Dan’s mood only soured at the news. So now both his parents had decided he was no longer worth the trouble.

Dr Kendall, as the badge Dan only just noticed read, led him through to a private room. “We’re going to need to check your belongings to make sure you aren’t bringing in anything that could be dangerous to you or other patients. If you’d wait here, a nurse will be in soon to do so and after that, they’ll take you to your room.” Dan nodded, not really having a choice, and the doctor left the room with another smile. He seemed to smile a lot too. He noticed that. All the staff smiled far too much for a normal person. Maybe they felt they had to make up the extra happiness for all the crazy patients. And hey, Dan was officially a certified crazy person.

Two nurses came in a few minutes later. “Hi, Daniel. I’m Kenji and this is Nate. He’ll be checking through your bag as I do a pat-down. Is that okay?”

Dan nodded, feeling uncomfortable with a stranger’s hands on him but again, not really having a choice.

“Great,” Kenji said, taking Dan’s bag off him and passing it to Nate. “Ready?” he asked, stepping over to Dan. “It may be a little unpleasant, we have to be thorough to make sure nothing harmful gets in.”

Dan watched as his belongings got sorted through, Nate looking confused and then disgusted at most of his clothing. Kenji, on the other hand, began patting Dan down, asking if there was anything he had to declare. It felt like he’d gone through an airport metal detector and had it go off. Hopefully, there wouldn’t be any cavity searching that day, or any day really. Kenji’s hands trailed over Dan’s stomach and Dan flinched away, scared of the touch that he expected to go lower. It always brought pain and he had to fight back tears at the memories.

“Do you have any blades, lighters or other self-harm instruments with you?” he asked after pushing Dan’s sleeves up to check for anything. He walked a circle around Dan as he checked for any hidden tools, as if Dan knew he was coming here and had time to strategically plan out ways to sneak things in. He’d literally been dragged there that morning.

“Lighter, in my pocket,” he answered, knowing there was absolutely no point in lying since they’d find it anyway.

“Okay, anything else?”

“No.” Dan watched as Kenji finished searching his clothes before deeming them safe once the lighter was in his hand.

“Bag’s clear,” Nate mumbled, shoving all Dan’s stuff back in with no care. Forcing the zipper closed, he passed the bag back to Dan who slid it onto his back.

“Okay, come with me,” Kenji said, opening the door and leading Dan from the room and down one of the many hallways. “This is your room,” he said, gesturing to a door which had an orange Chrysanthemum on it. “Chris, this is Daniel Howell. Daniel, Christopher Kendall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra TW: Psych hospitals.
> 
> Hope you're enjoying it! As you may have noticed, this story is going to have 18 (maybe 19) chapters so the end is approaching.


	13. The Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally accepts help, even if it took a bad turn to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp13: References to vomiting/eating disorders, References to self-mutilation disorders, References to non-con & References to suicide.

“Hello,” Dan mumbled, stepping into the room. Kenji stood in the doorway, watching the interaction as if to make sure they weren’t about to murder each other.

Chris simply ignored him, glaring at Kenji. “Chris, it’s okay, he won’t make fun of you,” he said, hands in his pockets. Chris didn’t answer. Dan just assumed he was shy, moving towards the empty bed in the room and placing his single bag down on it. Pulling open the drawer beside his new bed, he folded his clothes before they got too crumpled and placed them in the drawer. He only had two shirts and a pair of skinny jeans. He’d have to ask his mum to bring more, not that he could without his phone. Nate had taken it out of his bag just before declaring it clear. He hated that he couldn’t have his phone. It was a sort of comfort for him, knowing he could contact people if he wanted or needed to.

Chris stood from his bed, dressed in one of those hospital gowns you saw in tv shows, and left the room, holding onto the stand as he went. The stand had a bag hanging from it, the tube leading into Chris’ hand. The boy didn’t look too sick, physically, but Dan knew there must have been something wrong with him, otherwise, he wouldn’t be in with the psychos.

“Don’t mind him, he’s just a little self-conscious. At dinner, sit with him. You’ll be friends in no time. When you’re ready, you can go exploring, just stay on this floor.” Dan nodded at Kenji’s words, shoving his empty bag under the bed and spinning around to him.

“What time is dinner?” he asked, already trying to think of ways to get out of it. They probably weren’t allowed out of sight afterwards, so that meant he’d have to sneak food and make it look like he ate.

“Six o’clock sharp. And we all spend time together afterwards until half seven,” Kenji said, hitting on the side of the door twice before walking away. It was a funny little habit, Dan thought. Maybe he’d been hanging around the crazies for too long. Dan laughed at himself, realising he was one of the so-called crazies he feared so much.

Wandering around, Dan found the gym which had a nurse on guard as well as the rec room, canteen and many other patient rooms, all of which had a new type of flower on them. After deciding he had explored as much as he wanted to, he headed back to his room, wandering over to the large window and taking a seat on the sofa sat against the wall.

Looking out over the small lip of the window, he saw the expanse of land before the town began.  _ So they’ve decided to keep the crazy people away from the rest of society. _ There was a large cherry tree right outside his window, the wind causing petals to fall onto the lush green grass.

“Daniel, dinner time,” Kenji said after knocking and opening the door. Dan looked over before his eyes trailed to the clock hanging on the wall. It read 6:02 pm.

“Sorry, zoned out thinking,” he mumbled, standing and stretching his long legs before exiting the room and walking to the canteen with Kenji.

“What were you thinking about?” he questioned.

“Nothing important,” Dan answered. Their conversation ended abruptly as they entered the canteen, Kenji running off to talk to some other patients while Dan waited in line to collect his meal.

He looked around, trying to find somewhere to sit. There were eight tables in two rows of four against the walls. Most tables only had one or two spots available for a new person and Dan, being the socially awkward mess he was, wasn’t too excited by the idea of meeting new people.

Remembering Kenji’s suggestion, he looked around before his eyes landed on Chris. He sat alone aside from Dr Kendall. Dan guessed they were probably related considering they had the same last name. He wondered briefly if it was weird seeing your son/nephew/whatever-he-was at work every day before stepping forward, attempting not to trip over his feet and land flat on his face.

His attempts were successful as Dan made it to the table with no face-to-floor experiences. “Hi,” he mumbled, swinging his leg over the seat before having the other follow.

Chris nodded at him. He had no food in front of him but it seemed as though that was normal considering no one was telling him off. Dr Kendall sat next to him and smiled across to Dan as he sat.

“Hello Daniel, how are you settling in?” he asked.

“Alright, and it’s Dan.”

“My apologies. Anywho, I must be going. Chris, try talking to him, he won’t mind.” Dan wondered why everyone was trying to convince him to talk so much but shrugged it off, smiling as Dr Kendall wandered through the canteen doors.

“Do you not talk or something?” Dan questioned, looking around before stuffing some food in his tissue-protected pocket.

Chris tilted his head down, his fringe covering his face. “No, I do,” he answered.

“Are you shy? I don’t bite, besides, we may as well get to know each other since we share a room,” Dan justified.

“I, um, I don’t have any teeth.”

“What?!” Dan said, louder than he should have judging by the people who looked towards him and Chris.

“I don’t have any teeth. My dad had them taken out so I couldn’t hurt myself. I have a very rare self-mutilation disorder, most people don’t know about it. It’s similar to Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome, if you know what that is, but psychological instead. Basically, I’m really self-destructive so I had to have my teeth pulled. I’m on meds so it’s not too bad but I’m going to live here for my entire life,” Chris explained. Dan had never heard of it but it sounded terrifying. He couldn’t imagine knowing he’d never get out of here. He wanted to have a life and Chris would never have one because of this thing he had.

“Can I see?” Dan blurted out before blushing. “Sorry, you don’t have to do that. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’ll see it soon enough anyway,” he said before looking up and opening his mouth. It looked almost as if he was smiling but it unsettled Dan; he’d never met someone without teeth before and it looked a little unnatural. It made sense, it just seemed scary to him. He liked his teeth, well, as much as a self-loathing person could.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how do you eat?”

“With this,” he answered, gesturing to the stand resting behind him. “It’s got everything I need. Eating’s difficult, so my dad got this for me so I wouldn’t have to. I do still have to eat sometimes though so my stomach doesn’t digest itself but I get to do that in private. Anyway, since you know about me, it’s only fair I know why you’re here.”

Dan nodded. “My mum caught me cutting. I have depression and anorexia,” Dan answered more comfortably than he ever had before. He hated talking about what people thought was wrong with him, absolutely hated it. But for some reason, knowing Chris was in a similar boat, made it significantly easier. “How does this place work, anyway? I heard some places use points or whatever?”

“Yeah, points work here. You start with ten, get them for doing good and lose them for breaking rules and not following your treatment plan and stuff. You get certain privileges based on the number of points you have. Hiding your food like that, yeah, that’s gonna lose you points.” Dan choked. He hadn’t realised he’d been caught so easily.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Dan begged, eyes downcast.

“I’m not a police officer, chill dude. There’s no point in me saying anything. You should try to eat something though, you  _ are _ very skinny.”

Dan just laughed. “Sure.”

~~~~

“Hey!” Phil shouted, running up to Dan and engulfing him in a huge hug.

“I missed you,” Dan whispered into his ear. Dan had been a patient at Blossom Psychiatric Hospital for five days now. Phil hadn’t been able to visit any earlier, visiting hours being in the middle of the school day. His parents were visiting every day, telling him about their work before asking him about his progress. Phil was a welcomed change from that.

“How are you?” he asked, pulling back from the hug but resting his hands on Dan’s upper arms.

“Alright, you?”

“Good good. Let’s go to your room, yeah?”

“We can’t,” Dan mumbled, looking down yet again.

“What? Why?”

“I lost my privileges. We have to stay in the rec room.”

“Daniel James Howell, what did you do?” Phil asked, voice full of authority that he didn’t have.

“I, uh, kinda freaked out. Kenji grabbed me when I tried to go to the bathroom after breakfast this morning and I kinda freaked. I don’t really remember it that well but apparently I was kicking and screaming a lot. Either way, they don’t trust me now. Well, they trust me less than they did five days ago, and that’s saying a lot.”

“Was that because of what happened at the bridge?” Dan nodded shyly. “Do they know about that?”

“No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not like anything really happened,” he argued, downplaying the seriousness of what he’d gone through and what he continued to go through. That was the only good thing about this situation in his mind. He was safe from Chris and Mike and James. Though, it would probably just get worse once he was back at school. They liked to make up for lost time, that was something had learnt over years of their torture.

“Daniel, you know that’s not true. You aren’t dumb and you know that what happened was very, very serious. They need to know, Dan. Either you tell them or I will.”

“It’s my life, Phil! You can’t control me! I’m not a little kid and I can choose what people know and don’t know about me! Besides, why the fuck would it matter what Chris, Mike and James did and still do?!”

Dan really wished he could rewind time at that exact moment. He really needed to shut up. Whenever he spoke, he said things he didn’t want people knowing and he always fucked himself over.

“Dan,” Phil breathed out.

“Don’t,” Dan said in reply, ripping his arms from Phil’s grip and running through the halls to his room. Chris wasn’t there, probably in therapy or something, maybe he was out with his Dad since he was actually allowed to leave the premises during the day if it was with his father. The cherry blossom tree did nothing to calm his nerves like he’d learnt it did over the past week. He’d just told Phil who did those disgusting things to him, calm wasn’t an option. He didn’t want anyone to know, especially Phil. He’d just realised how much of a slut Dan was, willingly having sex with his bullies just because he didn’t have Phil to get him off.

Dan reached under his bed, pulling out the screwdriver he’d stolen the day before. He hadn’t planned to use it so soon.

Holding it in his shaking hands, he angled it towards his neck. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily. This was it. He was about to die. He was finally going to do what he’d never succeeded in doing before. A sort of calm washed over him, knowing this was his last few moments of life. Taking one last deep breath, he jerked his hands towards his neck, bracing himself for the feeling of cool metal forcing its way through his throat.

He never felt the stinging of the screwdriver through. Instead, he felt a hand around his wrists and another forcing his head away from the tool.

“Dad!” the voice that belonged to the person holding him shouted. “Dad!” it continued. Moments later, moments that Dan wasn’t really aware of, people were running into the room, restraining his hands and legs, stopping him from fighting. He felt the sharp sting of a needle that was inserted into his arm and his vision began to swim. His eyes focussed on Chris’ sorry expression before darkness consumed him.

~~~~

“So how have you been?” Dr Salow, or Noah as he’d told Dan to call him, questioned.

“I feel like you already know the answer to that,” answered Dan.

“It’s good to see you talking about your feelings now,” he joked. Dan only scowled at him in reply. “I have been informed of what happened though. Would you like to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Dan, I know you don’t particularly want to be here but why won’t you take advantage of the situation while you can? Everyone here just wants to help you but we can’t if you don’t cooperate. If you don’t try, nothing will get better.”

Dan thought about the last part of Noah’s words. He wanted to get better obviously. He didn’t want to live his life in fear of people and food. He wanted to be able to go on dates to restaurants and not be plagued with thoughts of how many calories were in what he was eating. He wanted to not be scared when someone grabbed his hips or his wrist. He wanted to be free to live his life. And Dr Salow was right; nothing would get better if he didn’t put the effort into trying.

“Fine,” Dan caved. He explained what happened with Phil and when Noah asked, he explained what happened with Chris and Mike, tears sliding down his face as he remembered. He also spoke about how James joined in when it happened before and/or after school. He explained the pain, the worthlessness he felt. He explained everything. By the time he’d finished and calmed himself down, there were only ten minutes left of their ninety-minute session.

Noah and Dan continued to talk for a little longer, Noah explaining the legalities of the situation and that they could be arrested if he wanted them to. Dan utterly refused though.

“I don’t want them to be arrested. Sure, they did those things to me but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a future. If you go to jail at my age, the rest of your life is basically ruined. I don’t want their lives to be ruined, even after what they did. It’s not fair.”

Noah accepted his reasoning, telling him that they’d discuss it in further detail at their next session. Once he’d opened the door for Dan, he walked through the hallways towards the canteen. He had missed dinner the night before since he’d been restrained and if he was honest with himself, he was getting rather hungry.

Chris grinned at him when he’d collected his dinner plate and began eating the peas. Dan’s mind was raging, shouting at him to stop and puke at any cost but he pushed it down. He wouldn’t allow his illness to control him anymore. No, he was in control now.


	14. The Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's getting better, even with the minor setback from Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp14: Talk of anorexia/its cognitive symptoms & cheating. I think that’s all but always tell me if I’ve missed something! I never want to trigger anyone.

“So, how are you feeling?” Noah asked, looking through a pile of folders, looking for Dan’s.

“Alright,” he answered. “I’ve got more energy,” he added.

“And does that feel good?” He pulled the folder out and opened it, writing the date at the top and then preparing to write notes.

“I guess. I’m scared for weigh-in though. I’m gonna be so fat and while it’s nice being able to have energy, I still haven’t decided if it’s worth it.” Noah hummed, scribbling something in his illegible doctor writing.

“Do you know much about how your body uses energy and what it does with the food you eat?” he questioned.

“Uh, a little. Like, what I’ve learnt from school but not much else.”

“Well,” he said, pulling out a drawing of a human’s digestive system. “You obviously would know that when you eat food, it goes into your stomach. The acids there break it down and your intestines extract all the nutrients. These nutrients, which are called glucose, is what your body uses for energy. When it’s broken down, energy is released for your body to use. Now, what do you think would happen if you don’t give your body enough food to convert into energy?”

“It starts eating itself, doesn’t it?” Dan questioned quietly.

“That’s right. Your body eats away at your own muscles, desperate to have enough energy to keep your brain, heart and other vital organs functioning. That’s why you pass out, your body can no longer sustain itself so it resorts to shutting down your non-vital systems so you can survive. The body will do anything it can to survive. Now answer me this, how many calories should someone your age and height eat every day?”

“Two thousand, five hundred for the average male,” Dan answered straight away, calorie talk being his forte.

“Right, and how many were you eating when you were at your worst?”

“Three hundred or less,” Dan mumbled, embarrassed by his eating habits for the first time.

“And what did that do to your body?”

“It made me weak, I couldn’t do anything really.”

~~~~

“God you’re hot,” Phil mumbled against Pj’s lips.

“Not too bad yourself,” he laughed, connecting his lips to Phil’s.

“Wait, we shouldn’t be doing this,” Phil panicked, pushing Pj off his chest a little so they could look at each other.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Neither of us has had a good fuck in a while. Besides, it’s just a one-time thing, can’t hurt anyone.” Phil caved, the alcohol in his system clouding his moral judgment.

“Oh fuck it.”

“No, fuck me,” Pj retorted. Phil only laughed before capturing Pj’s lips in his.

“How about we take this to the bedroom yeah?” Pj nodded, standing up so Phil could as well. Hand in hand, they tracked up the stairs and into Phil’s room, falling onto the bed as their lips collided.

The next morning was one of awkward conversation and avoidance. Phil slowly blinked his eyes open, his head pounding. How much had he drank last night again? He remembered Pj coming over and them both getting absolutely hammered. The curly, brown-haired boy beside him stirred. At first, Phil thought it was Dan but his memories of last night came back quickly as green eyes blinked at him in confusion then recognition.

“Peej, we should not have done that,” Phil mumbled, voice low and rough from sleep.

“Shit, you think I don’t know that?” he said in reply, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“Are you even wearing anything?!” Phil squeaked, shielding his eyes from Pj’s bare chest.

Pj just laughed in reply. “Got boxers on, don’t worry. Besides, it’s not like I’ve got anything you haven’t seen.”

“We don’t talk about this, ever. Last night never happened, ‘kay? We take this to our graves,” Phil declared, completely serious.

“Sure, fine by me,” Pj agreed, pulling his jeans back on. “You seen my shirt?” he questioned, looking around the room.

“Shit!” Phil whisper shouted. “It’s downstairs. Pj, my parents are home now. Shit shit shit,” Phil mumbled getting out of bed and pulling on his after-shower robe (yes, he had one of those).

Stumbling down the stairs he found Pj’s and his shirts and him them inside the robe. Stepping into the kitchen, he grabbed some painkillers for his headache and swallowed them with some water. He grabbed a few extras for Pj, knowing he was probably hungover too.

“Here,” Phil said, throwing Pj’s shirt to him after he closed the door.

“Your parents know I was sleeping over so that isn’t a problem but this is,” Pj stated, gesturing to the hickeys on his neck. The ones Phil had given him the night before in a drunken haze.

“Wear a bloody scarf, here,” Phil retorted, grabbing one of his scarfs and tossing it to Pj.

“Why do I feel like you stole this from a certain flower-crown-wearing seventeen-year-old?” Pj laughed, wrapping the mint-green scarf around his neck anyway.

“Shit!” Phil said in answer. “Dan! What the hell do I do about Dan? It’ll kill him to know what we did!” Phil panicked, eyes wide as he looked at Pj as if he held the answers.

“I wouldn’t tell him, at least not yet. There’s no point, and it’s not like it meant anything.”

“I can’t, I have to be honest with him. Peej, you don’t understand, he gets so scared if he thinks people are hiding things from him and he made me promise to never do that. I have to tell him, no matter what it’ll do to him. I’ll make sure the hospital knows to keep an eye on him so he’ll be safe, but I have to tell him.” Pj nodded. Phil was right, after all. While Peej was both their friend, he had little understanding of Dan and Phil’s dynamic and even less of Dan’s condition.

And so, the next visitation day became one Phil dreaded.

~~~~

“Hi!” Dan squealed excitedly, running up to Phil and pulling him into a hug. “Guess what?”

“What?” Phil said, squeezing Dan tight.

“Noah says I’m doing really well and that if I keep getting better I should be out in less than a month!”

“That’s amazing!” Phil answered excitedly, pulling Dan up off the ground to kiss him.

“Mph, Phil,” Dan mumbled against his lips, smiling into the kiss regardless.

“I’m so bloody proud of you, you have no idea.” Phil gently placed Dan back on the ground, arms still wrapped around him.

They continued to talk for over half an hour but soon their visitation was coming to an end and Phil knew what he had to say, so he sighed and spoke. “Dan?”

“Mm?”

“I, um, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” The only thing keeping Dan from flashing back to when Phil broke up with him was the lack of slurred words in Phil’s speech.

“I had sex with Pj,” Phil said clearly, voice void of humour.

“No,” Dan mumbled. “No. You know April Fools is still a week away, right?”

“Dan, I’m so sorry. We were drunk and not thinking. It didn’t mean anything.” Ah, the phrase that no one ever wanted to hear.  _ It didn’t mean anything _ , as if that could atone for the awful act.

“Do you want to break up with me?” Dan asked suddenly.

“What, no, of course not. It didn’t mean anything, I swear.”

“Go,” Dan said suddenly. “Leave me alone,” he said again, voice stoic aside from the slight waver.

“Dan.”

“No, don’t. Just, leave me alone. I don’t want to see you,” with that, Dan stood from the table they were sat at, exiting through the doors that Phil wasn’t allowed past.

~~~~

“You coming to dinner?” Chris asked, standing from his own bed and grabbing his stand to pull it along with him. “I heard you might be getting out soon if you keep getting better.”

“I’m not hungry,” Dan mumbled, rolling over to face away from his friend.

“Okay, but don’t come crying to me when they force a feeding tube into you,” he answered, walking from the room. It wasn’t even twenty minutes later when Noah was knocking and walking in.

“Why are you not at dinner?” he questioned instantly, squatting in front of Dan’s face.

“Not hungry,” he answered, rolling over again to face away from his guest.

“Well, you know the rules here, Dan. You have to eat, whether you’re hungry or not. Now, would you like to come for dinner, or are you willing to lose some points?”

“I’m. Not. Hungry,” Dan said slowly and clearly, sitting up and staring right into Noah’s eyes. “I’ll eat breakfast, promise. Just, please don’t make me. I just want to sleep.”

“Okay, deal time. If you eat all your breakfast in the morning, and the nurses have confirmed you do so, I won’t make you go to dinner. But, the catch is you also have to tell me if anything happened. Chris is at rec right now and won’t be back for a while so we have time,” Noah explained calmly, somehow knowing there was something else going on. Maybe it was years of experience being a psychologist; knowing when patients weren’t telling the full truth must be a handy skill. Regardless, Dan wasn’t pleased.

“Fine, Phil and Pj had sex. He said it didn’t mean anything but I can’t trust him. He already broke up with me ‘cause of a dare. And it’s clear he likes Peej so I can’t really trust him. Besides, why would he want to be with me when Pj is literally a better version of me?” Dan explained, trying his best to put words to his feelings.

“And what do you think is wrong with you? I for one think you’re a lovely young man.”

“I’m fat, ugly, a freak, what isn’t wrong with me? Pj is everything I’m not. And he looks so much like me aside from his eyes but he’s so much more similar to Phil and I just, why would he want me when he can have Pj? He  _ has _ had Pj!”

“Well, he said it didn’t mean anything, right? Hasn’t he shown that you should trust him?”

“I-I guess but-but,” Dan trailed off, realising Noah was right. He should trust Phil when he said it didn’t mean anything. He should trust Phil when he said he was drunk and not thinking. He should trust Phil when he says he loves him. What he shouldn’t do is trust Chris, Mike and James or the words they burnt into his stomach.

And Dan was one to be truthful... okay, only sometimes. However, he was entirely truthful when he told Noah he’d eat his breakfast the next morning. He’d scoffed it up, hungry since he’d missed the night before.

In his therapy session later that day, he and Noah talked a little more about Dan’s trust issues before discussing Dan’s thoughts in regards to ‘the bridge incident’ as Dan had started referring to it as.

Noah began challenging his thoughts of ‘it was my fault’ and his questions of ‘what if?’ and Dan slowly started accepting that maybe what Chris and Mike did wasn’t his fault. And maybe it wasn’t his fault that he was anorexic or had depression. Maybe nothing was his fault. The only thing that he had to blame himself for was his refusal to try and get better. All he had to do was try, and he could get to where he was now, maybe without ever going to Blossom Psychiatric Hospital. He knew now though. He knew what he needed to do to get better and to claim his life back. That was something Noah had taught him along with Chris and Nurse Kenji. Nothing would get better if he didn’t try. And now, with that knowledge, he was trying with all his heart.


	15. The Excursion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan’s got enough points to leave the hospital for the day. Cue cute date between Dan and Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp15: Mentions of vomiting, minor reference to sexual abuse.

Dan forgave Phil despite the older insisting that what he’d done was not worth forgiving. Everything went back to what was reasonably normal, Phil or Dan’s parents visiting him every day as he continued to get better.

One morning at breakfast, Noah came up to him and asked him how he was. After exchanging pleasantries, he got to the point. “You’ve got thirty points Dan,” he said. “That means you can leave for the day as long as it’s with someone your parents and I have both signed off on. There will be a lot of rules to follow but I figured you might like to get out of here for a few hours.” Noah didn’t even get to finish speaking before Dan was jumping from his seat and wrapping his arms around Noah.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I go with Phil?”

“You can go with whoever you wish, as long as we sign off on them. We do recommend patients spend the day with their parents but the final decision is yours.

Later that day, Dan called Phil on his phone, having been given it back at twenty-five points. Phil picked up near instantly. There was a lot of noise coming through from Phil’s end but they managed to communicate alright and Phil agreed to talk to both their parents and then to Noah directly. Dan awaited the day excitedly, looking forward to finally getting out of the cream-coloured building with too many flowers.

~~~~

“So, how are you feeling?” Noah asked. He was waiting with Dan for Phil to come and pick him up. All the paperwork had been signed and even though Noah didn’t totally trust Phil, he knew Dan did.

Phil walked through the doors, a large smile on his face. He’d gotten another piercing since Dan had last seen him. This one was a septum piercing. Dan giggled since Phil used to say he’d never get his nose pierced because he’d ‘already broken it once, imagine much worse would it be with a piece of metal involved!’

“Hi, Love,” Phil greeted, pulling Dan into a big hug. Before Dan could reply, Noah was separating them and shakily pointing a finger at Phil.

“He comes back any worse than he is now, don’t expect to step foot in here ever again,” he threatened.

Phil stood straight, saluting like a soldier and saying “yes sir.”

Dan just giggled, telling Noah to calm down before grabbing Phil’s hand and running out of the hospital. It was at the top of a small hill so there were large fields filled with grass. Usually, people drove but Dan was just excited to be outside and feel the sun on his face without it coming through a window. Laughing, Dan collapsed onto his back, arms and legs spread out as he felt the grass against his skin. He never thought he’d enjoy being outside this much but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Phil just stood to the side, arms crossed and glaring at anyone who looked at him or Dan funny. When his head turned to back to Dan though, a huge smile broke out on his face. He’d never seen Dan this happy before, or this healthy, and Phil’s heart was filled with love and pride.

“Come on, Danny-boy,” Phil called teasingly. Dan looked at him, faux anger on his face as he stood, still grinning like a mad man. Phil lead them over to his motorbike and chucked Dan his helmet, sliding his own on. When Dan slid on the seat behind Phil, his heart filled even more. He’d gotten so used to feeling Dan’s ribs when they pressed against each other like this. Now, though, was a comfortable amount of padding before the bones.

They arrived at the restaurant Phil had taken Dan to on their first date. He hadn’t eaten much and he threw up what he had but Phil didn’t care, the night still held some of his most-valued memories. He remembered when Dan saw where they were and turned to Phil. “You know I’m anorexic, right?” he’d said. Phil now knew Dan didn’t believe it himself at the time, just that everyone else had labelled him with the disorder. Phil just laughed a little, awkward in the silence, before grabbing his hand.

“You’ll love this place, and I won’t make you eat more than you can. I just want this to be as normal as possible,” Phil had replied, squeezing Dan’s hand before releasing and climbing out of the car. He opened the door for him, Dan sweetly laughing and saying “such a gentleman” as he clumsily climbed out. That was back before he’d gotten his motorbike, a birthday gift from his father who was over in the US for nearly six months at the time.

Phil zoned back in, realising their food had arrived. He couldn’t even remember ordering but his subconscious apparently knew his favourite meal from the restaurant. He looked over to his date, realising how absolutely gorgeous Dan was. His hair was curled more so than usual, maybe because of the mild heat. He had a lovely pastel pink sweater on, blue and green hearts scattered randomly over the fabric. He had some plain white skinny-jeans on and his pastel green converse. He wasn’t wearing a flower crown since his parents had never brought one into the hospital but he looked just as cute as he did when he had the flowers in his hair.

“You’re beautiful,” Phil said aloud, voicing his thoughts. Dan blushed, looking down.

“Thank you,” he mumbled quietly, causing Phil to grin harder. Dan always refused to believe him, pointing out all his flaws rather than accepting the compliment for what it was. He missed Dan a lot at school but he was realising just how beneficial the hospital was in Dan’s recovery. He was better than ever before, and Phil loved that he was there to witness Dan at his worst and at his best. Subconsciously, he began thinking he’d love to see Dan like this for the rest of his life, even with the relapses that were destined to come. No recovery was perfect and he wasn’t expecting it to be. He appreciated the moment for what it was though, loving his boyfriend regardless of his recovery stage.

Dan tuckered into his meal, Phil following suit quickly. Dan had the sushi he loved from this place. It was one of the things he’d learnt before he’d gotten sick. Phil had a bowl of incredibly spicy curry. He’d offered some to Dan who had outright refused, claiming he’d go back to the hospital right then if Phil even joked about it again. Phil just laughed, knowing how much Dan hated anything even mildly spicy.

After their meal, Phil paid - “I insist” - and they headed out to the movies. Dan had no idea what they were going to see but Phil had promised he’d love it. After the credits, the familiar tunes of ABBA started playing and Dan squealed. The original was his favourite film and he’d been aware a sequel came out but never really got a chance to watch it. Ya know, hospital and all that.

Throughout the movie, Dan occasionally stole sips from Phil’s drink, him opting not to get one of his own. Phil only smiled at him when he noticed before turning back to the movie. Dan knew all the songs, singing along under his breath. It was no secret his parents were massive fans and had practically raised him on ABBA songs.

~~~~

Once the movie ended, Phil linked his hand with Dan’s and left the theatre.

“Well, looky who we have here. A pathetic fag and his emo boyfriend,” a voice sneered. Dan turned around, Phil following quickly, only to come face-to-face with Chris, Mike and James: the world’s most hated trio.

“What do you want?” Phil snapped.

“Dude, chill, we just wanted to ask where Dan’s been. We’ve missed him.” Now that Phil knew it was them who did the inexplicable things to Dan, he understood the hidden meaning behind Chris’ words.

“Just fuck off, leave us alone,” Phil growled, tightening his grip on Dan’s hand as if the boys were going to pull him away.

“Phil, it’s fine,” Dan mumbled.

“It’s not, Dan. They’re being massive dickheads and they should leave you alone.” Phil lightly pushed Dan towards the door, sneering as Mike shouted out at them.

“Run away you fucking pussies! Oh and Dan, don’t forget to skip dinner, you’re starting to get a little chubby.”

That last part struck a nerve with him. He knew Mike was wrong and that he was still underweight, but it was a touchy subject. Phil assured him that he was a perfect weight but would be even more perfect if he put on some more. Dan listened, knowing Phil was right. They went to a small park, the sun starting to sink towards the mountains.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Dan said, pulling his hand from Phil’s grip and heading towards the disgustingly dirty public toilets.

“Me too,” Phil said instantly, grabbing his bag and jogging up to him. Dan rolled his eyes, knowing Phil was likely just tagging along to make sure he didn’t throw up. The only problem was that Dan actually needed to. He was feeling really nauseous, not that Phil would ever believe him, especially after what Mike had said.

“Hey Phil?” he asked, figuring he should tell him then.

“Yeah?”

“I’m feeling really nauseous. I don’t wanna throw up, I swear, but I might,” he explained, hoping Phil would believe him.

The punk looked at him incredulously, probably trying to decipher if Dan was lying to him.

“Bad sushi?” he asked, a light-hearted tone tinting his voice. He still seemed a little disbelieving but Dan was greatly appreciative of him trusting him enough to let him still go to the bathroom.

When he came back out, Phil was on the phone to someone. Dan remained silent, awaiting Phil to tell him his call had ended.

“Yep- Yeah okay- He’s back now so I gotta go.” Phil hung up and sent a smile to Dan, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers again.

“Who was that?” Dan asked curiously.

“Nurse Kenji. I promised I’d tell the hospital if anything happened. Don’t worry though, I explained that you were feeling physically sick and they said it could have been something with your stomach since you haven’t eaten fish in ages. Don’t worry, okay?”

Usually, Dan would hate being snitched on. In this situation, however, he accepted it. He knew Phil was just looking out for him and he’d say it again and again if he had to, but he was getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think


	16. The Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's being released and Phil's coming to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp16: Two BIG (story-wise, not triggering wise) ones at the end ‘cause spoilers.

“I love you,” Dan mumbled, pressing his lips to Phil’s again.

“God I love you so much,” Phil replied, lightly grabbing Dan’s hips and pulling him up a little. Chris was eating with his father and then had therapy so Dan and Phil had the room to themselves for a bit.

With their lips connected, Dan’s hands started exploring the skin under Phil’s shirt, feeling the rise and fall with each breath. Eventually, Dan tugged it up and off the older boy, causing Phil to do the same to him.

“Phil, I want you,” Dan breathed, pulling away from Phil’s lips to whisper the words.

Phil didn’t quite react how Dan had expected. Instead of continuing the kiss and slowly undressing him, Phil only sat up, coincidently pushing Dan off him slightly.

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea,” Phil said, eyes blown from the mood but his tone hinting at something else. Guilt? Fear? Dan couldn’t place it.

“Why? I want you; you’ve always said you’d be ready when I was,” Dan questioned, trailing off towards the end. “Is it because I’m fat now?” he asked, voice getting a little louder. “Do you hate me because I’m so fat?!” he shouted.

Phil only sat still on the hard hospital bed, shocked by Dan’s outbreak. “What? Dan, no-”

“Don’t even fucking do that, Phil. Don’t fucking lie to me. It’s  _ your _ fault I’m in here in the first place and it’s  _ your _ fault that Chris and Mike did those things to me and it’s  _ your fucking fault _ my parents hate me!” Dan shouted. Phil obviously felt hurt; Dan had never yelled at him directly before, always being passive and quiet. He only ever got angry when he was frightened.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered, climbing off the bed that Dan had previously vacated and running from the room, trying to stop the tears from falling. He knew he had to tell Noah about what Dan had said, just in case this caused a relapse. Dan was stable and set to be released in a week but he could stay longer if he suddenly relapsed. They weren’t about to toss him on the street saying, “Tough luck, your times up.”

Phil wandered home, texting Pj to see if he wanted to meet up. They’d gotten over the awkwardness of their hook up pretty easily, both accepting that it was a massive mistake and that they were nothing more than friends. Pj respected Dan and Phil’s relationship and Phil respected Pj in return. Dan was still a little untrusting but they’d become good friends again once he was released, Phil was sure.

Pj met him at his house, somehow having known he’d need comfort without ever reading his messages. Maybe it was just a huge coincidence but either way, Phil was grateful to have arms wrap around him after the difficult afternoon.

~~~~

Phil’s reaction to Dan’s outbreak left him confused and hurt but mostly guilty. He’s said things he didn’t mean, namely that everything that happened to him lately was Phil’s fault. The ‘break up’ was Phil’s friends and alcohol, the bridge incident was Chris’ and Mike’s (and kinda Dan’s for running away) and the last statement wasn’t even true. Sure, Dan’s parents were stressed and worried, but they’d never stop loving him and Dan knew that. He tried texting and calling Phil but nothing went through, messages not delivering and calls going straight to voicemail.

During his therapy session that day, he brought up the incident on his own. Noah had been informed by Phil - which he’d told Dan - but it was clear how proud he was of Dan for sharing it without being prompted.

“And what happened? I’ve heard Phil’s side but he was emotional at the time and I’d like to hear your version of the events,” Noah asked carefully, smiling comfortingly at Dan.

“I was horrible. We were making out - which, please don’t tell me off for - and I said I wanted to go further. Phil said he didn’t want to yet and I freaked out, yelling at him and asking if it was because I’d put on weight. Phil tried to calm me down but I didn’t listen and I told him everything that happened was his fault even though it wasn’t and now I can’t contact him at all.”

Noah and Dan continued to talk back and forth, Noah asking questions and Dan answering to the best of his ability. Just as he was about to leave, Noah called him back. “Dan, you know you’re a healthy weight, right? You aren’t fat by any means,” he said, voice friendly but also professional as if this was part of Dan’s test.

Dan simply smiled. “Yeah, of course.” Noah smiled back and nodded, letting Dan leave to head to lunch.

~~~~

“How are you feeling?” Chris asked, rolling over in his bed to face Dan.

“Happy, I’m excited to finally get out of here,” he answered. This was their last night together, Dan leaving the next morning. He was a healthy weight, and he knew tactics to manage his depression and anxiety. Noah had helped him understand the bridge incident clearer, knowing it wasn’t his fault, nor was it his fault he was anorexic or had depression or anxiety. He’s just gotten the short end of the stick; his genes didn’t code properly; it was his biology, not him.

“I’ll miss you,” Chris said, smiling across the room to where Dan lay in his pastel PJs.

“I’ll miss you too,” he replied, eyes trailing along the star-covered ceiling for hopefully the last time. “Have you ever considered going to school?” Dan asked. It’d been on his mind since he heard he could be getting out. He’d miss Chris, and he was stable, so couldn’t he go to regular school? He could become friends with Phil and Pj.

“Not really. My dad wouldn’t ever let me anyway. I know I’m stable and all but one trigger and I’d be trying to kill myself. At least here my dad knows I can’t do much,” he explained. “Why?”

“I just thought it would be cool if you went to school with me.”

“It would be, but it’s not going to happen. Anyway, we should head to sleep; you’ve got a big day ahead of you.”

“Yeah,” Dan mumbled, his sentence cut off by a yawn. “Good night.”

“Night.”

~~~~

The next morning, Dan was packing his bags, hugging Chris goodbye with a promise to visit and leaving the hospital he’d called home for little over a month.

“Hi, Love. How are you feeling?” his mother asked, pulling him into a hug.

“Good,” he grinned. “Really good.”

His father took his bags off him and Chris and Dan hugged one more time before the trio left, climbing into the car and heading home. Dan watched the outside world, having only seen it once in the past month.

Cars flew past on the other side of the road, each driver going about their own lives. There were families playing in front yards now, the temperature having warmed up significantly during Dan’s time in hospital.

“Home sweet home,” his father grinned, turning off the ignition and unclipping his seatbelt.

Dan smiled back, pulling his bags from the boot and heading up to his room to unpack.

_ 11:02 am - From Phil <3: Hi Dan. I’m sorry I’ve been mia this past week. I didn’t want to interfere in your recovery anymore so I left you be so you could finish up there. I heard you got out today. How’s it feel to be a free man? ^_^ _

_ 11:05 am - From Phil <3: I just spoke with mum and I’m allowed to come visit? If that’s ok with you? _

_ 11:23 am - From Phil <3: I’m gonna take your silence as a yes ^_^ See you soon xoxo _

It wasn’t till later that night that Dan read the messages, tears coming to his eyes and sliding down his face instantly. He was sat in the car, his mother in the driver’s seat, on the way to the morgue.

The news had been the worst thing to happen that day, by far. Maybe even the worst thing to have happened that year. His mother had knocked on his door, Dan inside changing into pyjamas.

“Come in,” he’d called, pulling his shirt over his head as the door opened.

“Hi, Love. How about you sit down, I need to tell you something,” she said, her eyes downcast. Dan carefully took a seat on the edge of his bed, unsure if he wanted to hear what his mother was about to tell him. Before he could decide, his mother continued. “Phil’s mum just called,” she began. Dan’s stomach sank, worried for Phil. “He was heading over here to visit and got into a car crash. He died instantly. They say he wouldn’t have been in pain.”

She watched her son with wary eyes. Dan did nothing though, only sitting still, listening to the silence of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra Warning: Mentions of car crashes, Mentions of death.
> 
> Um, so, I'm sorry... Please don't kill me?


	17. The Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan says goodbye to Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp17: Funeral scene, talk of death, mentions of (psychiatric) hospitals.

When they arrived at the morgue, everything was dreary. You think you’d expect it from a place built to store dead bodies but it was worse than you could imagine. The man who worked there was emotionless, telling them ‘the body’ was in there as if Phil was worth nothing. Phil’s parents and brother were already there, each with tear-stains on their cheeks as they hugged each other close.

“M-Mrs Lester?” Dan called quietly, scared to interrupt the sombre environment.

“Oh, Dan,” she cried, pulling away from her husband and stepping over to pull him into a hug. Even at a time like this - when her  _ son _ had just been ripped away from her - she was still comforting others. She was still making sure everyone else was managing and she was still making sure no one was feeling abandoned.

Dan let the tears spill from his eyes, soaking into Mrs Lester’s shirt. Martin stepped closer, wrapping his arms around both of them and resting his head atop his mother’s. Minutes, later, they eventually pulled away and Dan retreated into his own mother’s arms. The three Lester’s said their goodbyes before stepping aside and letting Dan do the same.

~~~~

Dan didn’t own any black. He owned some grey his aunts and uncles had bought him thinking he was a regular teenager, but no blacks. Eventually, he settled on some skinny-jeans Phil had bought him and his pastel blue jumper. He pulled on Phil’s jacket - which he’d left at the hospital with Dan at one point - and left his room.

“Ready to go?” his mum asked, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. Dan only nodded, climbing into the car and buckling his seatbelt.

“Today we’re here to give Philip Michael Lester a formal send-off from our world. From what I’ve been told, he was a loving and caring young man and I’m disappointed to know I will never have the pleasure of meeting him. There are quite a few people who wish to speak today, so I’ll let Mr and Mrs Lester begin.” The man running the funeral stepped down from the little stage and stood aside, holding his hand out to help Mrs Lester up the steps.

“Phil, my baby, you’ve left us far too soon. I remember that night at the hospital, January 30th, eighteen and a half years ago. You were early, two weeks early, but you were a fighter and were out of the hospital in two days. I remember holding you for the first time, my second son. I had wanted a daughter but the second I saw you, I regretted every thought of not wanting another boy. You were a beautiful baby, bright blue eyes and tufts of black hair on your head. When you were six, you came up to me and asked me if Santa was real. You’d said a kid at school had told you he wasn’t and you knew I’d tell you the truth. I told you he was real,” she broke off into a laugh-sob as she reminisced. She continued to tell stories from Phil’s short life, tears streaming down her face through all the recounts.

Mr Lester and Martin both had their own stories to share. Martin’s girlfriend, Cornelia, helped him get through it, holding his hand as his voice broke. “Danny?” he said, stepping down from the stage. Dan looked over, eyes glazed over with unshed tears and simply just stared. He shook his head, he didn’t want to say anything. He’d give Phil his own personal send-off; what he had to say wasn’t for the public’s ears, it was for Phil’s alone.

The ceremony was finished off quickly, tears in everyone’s eyes as they mourned the death of a friend or loved one.

“How you holding up?” Pj asked, pulling Dan aside after the service had ended. Dan simply glared at him, remembering what he and Phil had done. “Dan, listen to me. I care about you, okay? Now how are you holding up?” he said a little more aggressively, hand tightening on Dan’s bicep.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, pulling from Pj’s grip and marching away towards his parents.

The drive home was quiet, as was the house when they entered its confines. Dan turned to head up to his room only to be stopped by his mum’s hand around his wrist. “Can you stay down here please?” she asked cautiously. 

“Can I get changed first?” She nodded warily, loosening her grip on his wrist and letting him slowly wander up the stairs as if he were a lost kid in a big shopping mall.

He pulled Phil’s jacket off his shoulders, wiping the tear that had escaped as he placed it onto the back of his desk chair. He pulled off his sweater, ignoring the usual tug of his scars and slid off his jeans with practised ease. The house was eerily quiet. It unsettled him. Usually, there was the TV playing in the background or his mother cooking in the kitchen. He changed into his Winnie The Pooh PJs and stumbled down the hall and stairs.

“How you going, Dan?” his father asked as his mother sighed a breath of relief at Dan’s still-alive state. It was obvious how worried they were about him and Dan wasn’t sure quite how he felt about it. He was fine, he was always fine.

“Fine,” Dan answered, falling onto the couch and unlocking his phone. He opened his messages and was about to ask Phil if he wanted to hang out before he caught himself, his lip quivering as he held in a sob.

“You sure?”

“Yes. Can you just, I don’t know, stop asking? I’ll tell you if I’m not okay, okay?” he asked, annoyance seeping into his voice.

His father clearly looked apprehensive before slowly nodding. “We’re only trying to look after you, Dan. We love you and don’t want you to go anywhere,” he explained. Dan nodded, feeling bad for snapping at his dad.

“I know, but you don’t have to worry. Blossom helped me loads, and I love you too. And Mum.” Mr Howell smiled, pulling his son in for a hug before pulling away.

“Now go help your mother with dinner; I hear she’s making your favourite.”

~~~~

“Hey Chris!” Dan squealed, running up to his friend and hugging him tight.

“Dan! I thought you’d forgotten about me,” he laughed. He pulled away from the hug.

“I didn’t, I’ve just, um, been busy.”

“Not doing drugs or anything like that I hope?” he asked with a laugh, the seriousness of the question still remaining intact though.

“No nothing like that. Uh, funeral.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” he said suddenly. “I didn’t realise, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m managing. And hey, I haven’t skipped a meal since I left,” Dan said, changing the topic.

“That’s amazing! I haven't had an episode either.”

The two friends continued to catch up for the next hour, discussing random things they hadn’t during Dan’s stay at Blossom Psychiatric Hospital. Eventually, Chris’ nurse came to take him away. They said their goodbyes and turned to the nurse for her to lead him away. She didn’t however. She brought news instead. “There’s someone else here to see you.”

The two friends exchanged looks. Dan was already there and anyone else Chris knew was already at the hospital and didn’t tend to ask before coming to find him. They wandered through to the visitation area - Dan being allowed through into the hospital - and Dan’s eyes trailed to the familiar punk he’d learnt to hate. Pj. Dan’s hand latched on to Chris’ wrist subconsciously, his nails digging into Chris’ skin slightly.

“What do you want Pj?” Dan demanded, pulling Chris behind his slightly. While Pj wasn’t dangerous, Dan had a sudden need to protect Chris from anything.

“Wait, you know him?” Chris butted him, only to be ignored by Dan.

“I came to find you. Your mum said you were here visiting a friend.”

“Well, I am. That doesn’t mean you need to stalk me.”

“I just wanted to apologise. I know you hate me because of what Phil and-”

“Don’t fucking talk about him like that!” Dan shouted, hand releasing Chris only to swing at Pj’s face. A nurse quickly came over to restrain Dan. Even if he wasn’t a patient anymore, the nurses could still restrain anyone at risk of harming themselves or others.

Pj cradled his cheek, the skin tinting red. “I’m sorry, really I am.”

“You know the last thing I said to him!?” Dan continued to shout, not even struggling against the nurse. “I told him everything that happened to me was his fucking fault and I hate myself so much for that! It’s my fucking fault he’s dead and I’ll never get to see him again!” Dan collapsed, only not injuring himself because of the nurse helping him to the ground.

“Dan, no one blames you for this. It’s not your fault and neither is it Phil’s. I miss him too, Dan, but blaming yourself isn’t going to bring him back. Just think about how much he loved you. Do you think he’d want you doing this to yourself because he’s gone?” Pj said, trying to soothe the distressed seventeen-year-old.

Dan only cried, screaming that it was his fault. Everyone had been evacuated from the room, Chris also being dragged out by his dad despite insisting Dan wouldn’t hurt him or anyone else. Only Pj, Noah, Dan and a few nurses remained as they restrained him, waiting for his parents to turn up. There was nothing they could do, not legally being able to sedate or restrain him with anything more than the human body.

Dan eventually calmed down, his parents watching on with scared eyes as they sedated him with Mr and Mrs Howell’s permission. They took him into his old room with Chris, the bed there having not yet been claimed. They were going to speak with Dan when he awoke and determine whether he needed to go back onto Blossom’s care.

~~~~

Dan wandered along the beach, listening to the waves come in and out, some crashing over others. It was peaceful here. Dan took a seat, pulling his legs into his chest as he stared out to sea. He wondered what it would be like to be a dolphin or a whale or a sea lion. He was pulled from his thoughts though when arms wrapped around his back, making him squeal before laughing. It was only Phil in all his punk glory. He grinned, laughing at Dan’s wide eyes and taking a seat next to him. Looping their hands together, he stared out to sea.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” he said sadly.

“Don’t you dare apologise. It isn’t your fault, it’s that fucking idiot driver,” Dan snapped. “I, on the other hand, do need to apologise. I was awful to you, not just in our last conversation. I’ve been terrible the entire time we’ve known each other. I’ve put way too many things on your shoulders and I’m so sorry for that. I know now that it was too much for you; hell it was too much for anyone. I just- I’m sorry that the last thing I said to you was that it was all your fault. None of it was, please know that.”

Phil smiled, kissing the side of Dan’s head and pulling him in for a hug. “I do know, Dan. But do you know it wasn’t your fault either? You blame yourself for all sorts of things that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Please tell me you know nothing that happened was your fault?”

Dan felt tears fall from his eyes. “I do know, Phil. I promise I know.” And with a final kiss, Dan woke up.


	18. The Pieces (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp18: References to death, References self-harm, References to suicide.

After a long discussion, Noah decided Dan didn’t need to go back into Blossom’s care. He decided if Dan maintained weight, ate three meals a day, and wasn’t harming himself, he’d met his goals within the hospital. He said that Dan could have weekly appointments with him still so ten weeks worth of appointments were arranged and booked. He wasn’t too happy to have to come back once a week but it at least gave him an opportunity to see Chris.

_ One year later… _

“Hi Phil,” Dan said, taking a seat on the grass. “Happy birthday.” Dan laughed a little, placing the flowers on the grave of his best friend. “I still haven’t forgiven you for leaving me, you dick,” Dan laughed, a sob tumbling out halfway.

“Who am I supposed to kiss now?” he continued. “God, I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I miss you. Even though it’s been a year, every day hurts. I hope you don’t find me visiting so much annoying. I swear I do have a life.” Dan pressed his fingers to his lips, kissing them, before placing them atop Phils’ gravestone.

“I’ve got to go now. I’ve got a flight to catch. I’m on my gap year, finally finished with school. I’m still going to Germany, just without you. I remember when we first thought of going to Germany together for our gap year. I’ll miss you, I’ll come back and visit soon, I promise.”

_ Five years later... _

Dan pulled on his coat, the London air cold and chilly even in summer. He paid his bus fare and took a seat towards the back. Looking out the window, he watched as kids pulled their parents along towards the park, the parents smiling and laughing as they tripped over their feet.

“Hi,” Chris said, hugging Dan tightly.

“Hey, hey Pj,” Dan replied, smiling at said person. He never really got over what he and Phil had done, but Chris liked him so he’d learnt to deal with seeing the other man. Pj and Dan were both in uni, Dan studying law (though he was debating dropping out) and Pj studying film.

Chris was still at Blossom’s, but the good news was he’d only be there for a month more. Pj was buying a house and Chris had gotten permission to move in with him as long as he’d continued taking his meds and Pj kept a close eye on him. He was under strict rules to contact them if Chris seemed even slightly down, with or without reason. He was doing really well though, not having had an episode for nearly two years. His father wasn’t too keen to let him go but Chris eventually convinced him.

Dan was doing well too. He ate regular meals and even pigged out on pizza occasionally. The thoughts of gaining weight still plagued his mind every so often but he was able to push them away, knowing eating was healthy and eating an entire pizza in one night was deserved every so often.

Mike and Chris were still out there somewhere. Dan hadn’t heard from them in over a year though, the two of them going off to America for their higher education. They’d sent a letter, both apologising for their action in high school and saying that they knew they didn’t deserve forgiveness, that they just hoped it could maybe reconcile a little of their actions. Dan tore up the letter and chucked it in the bin the minute after he read it.

James was still around but he’d redeemed himself more effectively than Chris or Mike had. He actually wasn’t too bad, apologising numerous times for what he and the others did to Dan and the two were actually kind of friends. And yeah, Dan knew it made no sense. He’d befriend James but still glared at Pj when in the same room. He was working on it though, Chris begging him to ‘stop hating my boyfriend!’

Chris and Pj had actually hit it off, hence why they were moving in together. Dan had slowly gotten used to his favourite person holding hands with someone he disliked. Chris had laughed and told Dan multiple times that Pj had changed and that he was very different from what he was like in high school. Dan only ever nodded and continued to glare.

_ Ten years later… _

Phil’s birthday was the day Dan relapsed. He’d been clean for over five years and was a perfect weight. On this day though, he’d forgotten to visit Phil. He’d had a stressful day at work and Martin needed him to babysit his daughter. He’d visited Phil’s grave every year on his birthday from the day he died. He felt it was somewhat expected of him. So when he forgot, he denied himself dinner. The next day he and James were going out for breakfast and when he hadn’t eaten, claiming he wasn’t hungry, James had called Chris and Pj, demanding that they come to make sure he was staying safe.

His friends stayed with him for two weeks straight, making sure he ate all his meals. He’d reopened the skin on his arms during those two weeks too, and when Chris saw the blood, he’d relapsed hard as well. Pj had been running around, trying to restrain both of them but also call the hospital. Eventually, Dan got away and Pj resorted to holding Chris safe in his arms. He was at more risk anyway. Dan had only wanted to cut, not that that wasn’t terrible, but Chris would have stabbed himself and twisted the blade the first chance he got.

The hospital took Chris back in and dragged Dan out of the bathroom, blade in hand.

Neither of the two friends were let out for the rest of the year, five months.

When Dan was thirty, he adopted his first kid. He’d always wanted kids, but didn’t necessarily want to raise them with someone, so he decided to go it alone. He used to fantasise about him and Phil growing old and watching their children make families of their own. Dan had accepted he never really got over Phil’s death, and likely never would. No one was pushing him to finish his grieving, he was given all the time he needed as long as he took care of himself. And when the little eight-month-old boy was passed into his arms, he instantly knew the name he wanted to go with. The boy had sparkling blue eyes and black hair. Philip Christopher Howell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so weird for this to be finally finished. First off, I'd like to thank each of you for reading and an especially big thanks to those who commented and left kudos! While I do write for myself, it is one of the best feelings in the world to have other people enjoy something I've created.
> 
> There definitely will be another chaptered fic coming soon as I've got plenty of ideas for both one-shots and chaptered stories! So long for now! I hope you have a lovely rest of your day and an equally lovely rest of the year!


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